The Project Gutenberg EBook of All (Frightfully Unofficial) about an Old Friend of mine., by T. C. Gash This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: All (Frightfully Unofficial) about an Old Friend of mine. What he most probably was. What he most certainly will be and who has done this? Why The Cat. Author: T. C. Gash Release Date: November 18, 2011 [EBook #38050] Language: English Character set encoding: ASCII *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALL (FRIGHTFULLY UNOFFICIAL) *** Produced by Chris Curnow, Anna Whitehead, Diane Monico, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net ALL (Frightfully Unofficial) about an OLD FRIEND of mine What he most probably was What he most certainly will be AND WHO HAS DONE THIS? WHY THE CAT. Dedicated to the Notice OF ALL The Firms of this Great City whether BANKERS BROKERS OR OTHERS WHO In their Rise to Wealth and Affluence have NOT yet Recognised the "Generous Policy" That their Success is always partly Due to the Honesty and Energy of their SERVANTS, AND WHO After taking to Themselves all the _HONEY_ in the _HIVE_ Leave to the WORKERS NOTHING but the Lees. "A good Master maketh a good Servant" MARTIN TUPPER. [Illustration: ALL (Frightfully Unofficial) about an OLD FRIEND of mine What he most probably was What he most certainly will be AND WHO HAS DONE THIS? WHY THE CAT.] [Illustration: What he most probably was, before he became] [Illustration: A General-Private-Joint-Continental-Universal-Everlasting Respectable-Responsible BANKERS CLERK. During his 1st year of Service (Fancies he's got a "good thing")] [Illustration: At 10 years Service, he has his doubts.] [Illustration: This is the BC of 20 years Service--he--_hasn't any doubts now_. Bless you! He knows _all about it, and_ he's going home! To his--_Dinner_!!!] [Illustration: HERE IT IS! AND ought'nt he to be _thankful_] [Illustration: AT 40, 50, or 150 years Service, _he wonders_ (_ha! ha!_) Why his old heart may not be eased _BY A PENSION_ that _he and his_ can live upon, together with a _handsome present_ of _the remnant of his life_] [Illustration: But he is informed that if he will send in his _resignation_ _first_, It will be seen what can be done for him _Afterwards_ "_Is he quite worn out.?_ not another _6 months_? dear me! _quite sure?_ Ah!"] [Illustration: This generous proposal does'nt satisfy our greedy old friend, so he comes up to the scratch as usual And he works all day, and he dreams all night] [Illustration: Once he dreamt (silly Old boy) he dreamt] [Illustration: He had an _IDEA_!!! (of course it was only a dream.)] [Illustration: (His Dream) Why not appeal to his Masters the DIRECTORS they can but say No. they are Gentlemen, and _they won't eat him_] [Illustration: (His Dream) And of cours.--HOORAY!!!! The DIRECTORS declare that their _trusted servant_ SHOULD NOT be an _exception_ to the _Universal Rule_, but that he had risen in value like everything else AND they further declare, they will not permit, _the man whose labour increases with their success_, to be _left behind_ by the butcher, the Baker, or the Candlestick Maker.--_NO_ not to put dividends into their own pockets, _OR ANY OTHER MANS_] [Illustration: (still his dream.) And Georgiana-Amelia looks more like the girl he took away from the old Rectory 20 years ago than he ever hoped to see again Why she's getting FAT!, Sir FAT!] [Illustration: (but dreams) And so is Tommy' Sir.] [Illustration: (very happy dreams) And Georgiana Amelia, Junior.] [Illustration: (Are very very seldom) And so Goodbye, Sir Goodbye. No, we _do not_ live at Poplar now--Why, yes, quite a change. Just so Good bye to you, Sir _Hem_--_WE ARE GOING TO CHURCH._] [Illustration: (REALIZED) OH! _Are you_.--_You're going to the City_, Old Boy. WHAT!!! _Give you more pay_--Pooh. Think of the Honorable _Confidence_ your Masters _cannot help giving you_--Think of that--Very Valuable, Eh. _Ah! I should think so_, and you had better wake up those Shakey old legs of yours, or you'll be _Under the Line_] [Illustration: And one Morning _he is_ _Under the Line_] [Illustration: And _THIS is the result of his lifes labour_] [Illustration: EXTRAORDINARY COINCIDENCE SOME BODY ELSE HAS BEEN DREAMING OR OUR MUTUAL FRIEND BEING The FINAL SCRATCHES of THE CAT WHO After this will vanish And like the baseless fabrick of a dream Leave not a wrack behind] [Illustration: Having attended a Committee of the most exciting and exhaustive nature "Somebody" indulges in the traditional "40 Winks".] [Illustration: But the Committee hasn't done with him yet--the "Winks" are disturbed, and the Phantom of a defunct argument, that _He_ settled long ago, sits itself rudely on the table, in a Makeshifty sort of way and insists upon having another "go in".] [Illustration: And so he thinks, _He_ thinks! his income is too small; Why _it's Princely_, said the "Shadowy party" whose own "pull" was about L20,000 a year, He ought to make it do somehow, and if he don't like it you can manage without him. Now look here, let me show you an Article.] [Illustration: _There!!!_ Now I call this cheap.--_There he is_, Salary L40. _and_ white choker _not_ objected to. (for the matter of that he'll wear plush or--anything)----Come he's goodlooking. He'll work for you, respect you, as much as he does himself, be a credit to you, _and_ finally, he's been in the Pawnbroking line, _says_ _he lives on Oatmeal Porridge--and comes from the North_ (ED NOTE "Puss" who comes fra' the North hersel, is disgusted with the "Cad", _and does'nt believe him_.] [Illustration: His harmless Pursuits----] [Illustration: And his simple Tastes,----] [Illustration: Will render him at once the _ornament_ and "Prop" of your Establisment.--] [Illustration: _And_ if in the ingenuous enthusiasm of his _Generous_ Nature, _he should_ by chance "run short"; He's _not the man_ to pester you with Petitions. _He_ has a soul above _asking for Money_.] [Illustration: Just so--,] [Illustration: Ha! Ha! laughed "Somebody", to "the" great danger of the "Winks"; _Of course_, and we shouldn't dream of taking such a scamp. _We_, Hem, have _always_ drawn _Our_ staff from a _very_ different class, and _why_ shouldn't we always do so, _We_ are quite satisfied with them, and our Business, and our Profits are Increasing yearly.----Upon my word said "Somebody" _everything_ connected with "Our House" gives me unlimited satisfaction.] [Illustration: And you are going to make the satisfaction just a _leetle Mutual_; Sir, indeed we ought to thank you very much; Said a new and most impertinent Essence, who appeared, somewhat prematurely, to have made up his mind, and so settled the question out of hand.] [Illustration: What do you mean, Sir. We don't require _your_ interference said "Somebody" (who couldn't encourage that sort of thing). I see they forgot the Doctor, and no doubt your _Wife will go_ to church. Yes, that sort of thing does cost _something_, and you couldn't very well stop her, no, no. And I see you _never_ spend _any money_ for Conveyance, and you never have _any_ recreation, or change of air; nothing to help through the dismal monotony of your 12 days holiday in _November_ or _February_ and you can't even afford "8 hours at the Sea Side" for the Wife and little ones. In fact you've no money. _no comfort! no Pipe! no Glass! no music! no Paper! no nothing._ Well!!! said "Somebody" you're an _Extraordinary Man_--_but I don't believe you_--Now I can _understand this_. _You cannot afford_ _any_ of these things, _that_ is clear. But Human Nature is frail, and Alas! B.C.s _are but_ Human. Come, Sir confess at least _to some of these iniquities_, and then--_What is the consequence?_] [Illustration: Why 50 per cent of you get into debt, and you know it Said "Somebody" do you think you can decieve me? Why its clear that if you will _really_ make out a list of The Butcher, The Baker, The Water rate, The _Poor Rate_!! and the Income Tax (every penny--poor devil) and _all the other luxuries in which you indulge_. Why both ends _can't_ meet] [Illustration: Somebody Somebody, Esquire Of course they wont. I've said so before. Give you my Vote and Interest? Do we wish to conduct our Business on the "Old Clo" principle, like a Firm of Jew Slopmakers? said "Somebody", getting Indignant, and dangerously red about the Face--NO! very well. Give you my Vote and Interest? _I always have._ Give them again?----(you know young man, this is all very unofficial--well then) Yes.--_I Will_] [Illustration: And "Somebody" said "I will" so loudly that he woke himself up.] [Illustration: And "Somebody" _who was "Somebody"_ (may his shadow never be less) _did_ give his Vote and Interest. _And the result_, some of it is in my Pocket (_long may it stop there_) the Result is, that _Our House_ is up to _any Amount of Work_ and will undertake _to beat the Cheap Jacks into Fits_ Let us hope the example of "our little Shop" will be catching Now then ALLTOGETHER AND SO SAY ALL OF US AND SO SAY ALL OF US FOR HE IS A JOLLY GOOD SOMEBODY COMING See him do it! Puss in taking leave of his Friends _Congratulates_ them on the _Fact_ that _they know who is_ OUR "MUTUAL FRIEND" (and it isn't everyone can say that). In conclusion it is to be hoped that "Nobody" will be the only person so _unfeline_ as to dream of "PUTTING A STOPPER ON THE CAT'S MEAT"] * * * * * Transcriber's Notes Retained the spelling and punctuation anomalies of the original. End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of All (Frightfully Unofficial) about an Old Friend of mine., by T. C. Gash *** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALL (FRIGHTFULLY UNOFFICIAL) *** ***** This file should be named 38050.txt or 38050.zip ***** This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/0/5/38050/ Produced by Chris Curnow, Anna Whitehead, Diane Monico, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will be renamed. 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