The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Observations of Henry, by Jerome K. Jerome


This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org





Title: The Observations of Henry


Author: Jerome K. Jerome



Release Date: March 7, 2006  [eBook #17943]

Language: English

Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)


***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE OBSERVATIONS OF HENRY***






Transcribed from the 1901 J. W. Arrowsmith edition by David Price, email
ccx074@coventry.ac.uk





THE OBSERVATIONS OF HENRY


BY
JEROME K. JEROME

AUTHOR OF
"THREE MEN IN A BOAT," "DIARY OF A PILGRIMAGE," "THREE MEN ON THE
BUMMEL," ETC.

BRISTOL
J. W. ARROWSMITH, QUAY STREET
LONDON
SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, HAMILTON, KENT AND COMPANY LIMITED
1901




THE GHOST OF THE MARCHIONESS OF APPLEFORD.


This is the story, among others, of Henry the waiter--or, as he now
prefers to call himself, Henri--told to me in the long dining-room of the
Riffel Alp Hotel, where I once stayed for a melancholy week "between
seasons," sharing the echoing emptiness of the place with two maiden
ladies, who talked all day to one another in frightened whispers.  Henry's
construction I have discarded for its amateurishness; his method being
generally to commence a story at the end, and then, working backwards to
the beginning, wind up with the middle.  But in all other respects I have
endeavoured to retain his method, which was individual; and this, I
think, is the story as he would have told it to me himself, had he told
it in this order:

My first place--well to be honest, it was a coffee shop in the Mile End
Road--I'm not ashamed of it.  We all have our beginnings.  Young
"Kipper," as we called him--he had no name of his own, not that he knew
of anyhow, and that seemed to fit him down to the ground--had fixed his
pitch just outside, between our door and the music hall at the corner;
and sometimes, when I might happen to have a bit on, I'd get a paper from
him, and pay him for it, when the governor was not about, with a mug of
coffee, and odds and ends that the other customers had left on their
plates--an arrangement that suited both of us.  He was just about as
sharp as they make boys, even in the Mile End Road, which is saying a
good deal; and now and then, spying around among the right sort, and
keeping his ears open, he would put me up to a good thing, and I would
tip him a bob or a tanner as the case might be.  He was the sort that
gets on--you know.

One day in he walks, for all the world as if the show belonged to him,
with a young imp of a girl on his arm, and down they sits at one of the
tables.

"Garsong," he calls out, "what's the menoo to-day?"

"The menoo to-day," I says, "is that you get outside 'fore I clip you
over the ear, and that you take that back and put it where you found it;"
meaning o' course, the kid.

She was a pretty little thing, even then, in spite of the dirt, with
those eyes like saucers, and red hair.  It used to be called "carrots" in
those days.  Now all the swells have taken it up--or as near as they can
get to it--and it's auburn.

"'Enery," he replied to me, without so much as turning a hair, "I'm
afraid you're forgetting your position.  When I'm on the kerb shouting
'Speshul!' and you comes to me with yer 'a'penny in yer 'and, you're
master an' I'm man.  When I comes into your shop to order refreshments,
and to pay for 'em, I'm boss.  Savey?  You can bring me a rasher and two
eggs, and see that they're this season's.  The lidy will have a
full-sized haddick and a cocoa."

Well, there was justice in what he said.  He always did have sense, and I
took his order.  You don't often see anybody put it away like that girl
did.  I took it she hadn't had a square meal for many a long day.  She
polished off a ninepenny haddick, skin and all, and after that she had
two penny rashers, with six slices of bread and butter--"doorsteps," as
we used to call them--and two half pints of cocoa, which is a meal in
itself the way we used to make it.  "Kipper" must have had a bit of luck
that day.  He couldn't have urged her on more had it been a free feed.

"'Ave an egg," he suggested, the moment the rashers had disappeared.  "One
of these eggs will just about finish yer."

"I don't really think as I can," says she, after considering like.

"Well, you know your own strength," he answers.  "Perhaps you're best
without it.  Speshully if yer not used to 'igh living."

I was glad to see them finish, 'cause I was beginning to get a bit
nervous about the coin, but he paid up right enough, and giv me a
ha'penny for myself.

That was the first time I ever waited upon those two, but it wasn't to be
the last by many a long chalk, as you'll see.  He often used to bring her
in after that.  Who she was and what she was he didn't know, and she
didn't know, so there was a pair of them.  She'd run away from an old
woman down Limehouse way, who used to beat her.  That was all she could
tell him.  He got her a lodging with an old woman, who had an attic in
the same house where he slept--when it would run to that--taught her to
yell "Speshul!" and found a corner for her.  There ain't room for boys
and girls in the Mile-End Road.  They're either kids down there or
they're grown-ups.  "Kipper" and "Carrots"--as we named her--looked upon
themselves as sweethearts, though he couldn't have been more than
fifteen, and she barely twelve; and that he was regular gone on her
anyone could see with half an eye.  Not that he was soft about it--that
wasn't his style.  He kept her in order, and she had just to mind, which
I guess was a good thing for her, and when she wanted it he'd use his
hand on her, and make no bones about it.  That's the way among that
class.  They up and give the old woman a friendly clump, just as you or
me would swear at the missus, or fling a boot-jack at her.  They don't
mean anything more.

I left the coffee shop later on for a place in the city, and saw nothing
more of them for five years.  When I did it was at a restaurant in Oxford
Street--one of those amatoor shows run by a lot of women, who know
nothing about the business, and spend the whole day gossiping and
flirting--"love-shops," I call 'em.  There was a yellow-haired lady
manageress who never heard you when you spoke to her, 'cause she was
always trying to hear what some seedy old fool would be whispering to her
across the counter.  Then there were waitresses, and their notion of
waiting was to spend an hour talking to a twopenny cup of coffee, and to
look haughty and insulted whenever anybody as really wanted something
ventured to ask for it.  A frizzle-haired cashier used to make love all
day out of her pigeon-hole with the two box-office boys from the Oxford
Music Hall, who took it turn and turn about.  Sometimes she'd leave off
to take a customer's money, and sometimes she wouldn't.  I've been to
some rummy places in my time; and a waiter ain't the blind owl as he's
supposed to be.  But never in my life have I seen so much love-making,
not all at once, as used to go on in that place.  It was a dismal, gloomy
sort of hole, and spoony couples seemed to scent it out by instinct, and
would spend hours there over a pot of tea and assorted pastry.  "Idyllic,"
some folks would have thought it: I used to get the fair dismals watching
it.  There was one girl--a weird-looking creature, with red eyes and long
thin hands, that gave you the creeps to look at.  She'd come in regular
with her young man, a pale-faced nervous sort of chap, at three o'clock
every afternoon.  Theirs was the funniest love-making I ever saw.  She'd
pinch him under the table, and run pins into him, and he'd sit with his
eyes glued on her as if she'd been a steaming dish of steak and onions
and he a starving beggar the other side of the window.  A strange story
that was--as I came to learn it later on.  I'll tell you that, one day.

I'd been engaged for the "heavy work," but as the heaviest order I ever
heard given there was for a cold ham and chicken, which I had to slip out
for to the nearest cook-shop, I must have been chiefly useful from an
ornamental point of view.

I'd been there about a fortnight, and was feeling pretty sick of it, when
in walked young "Kipper."  I didn't know him at first, he'd changed so.
He was swinging a silver-mounted crutch stick, which was the kind that
was fashionable just then, and was dressed in a showy check suit and a
white hat.  But the thing that struck me most was his gloves.  I suppose
I hadn't improved quite so much myself, for he knew me in a moment, and
held out his hand.

"What, 'Enery!" he says, "you've moved on, then!"

"Yes," I says, shaking hands with him, "and I could move on again from
this shop without feeling sad.  But you've got on a bit?" I says.

"So-so," he says, "I'm a journalist."

"Oh," I says, "what sort?" for I'd seen a good many of that lot during
six months I'd spent at a house in Fleet Street, and their get-up hadn't
sumptuousness about it, so to speak.  "Kipper's" rig-out must have totted
up to a tidy little sum.  He had a diamond pin in his tie that must have
cost somebody fifty quid, if not him.

"Well," he answers, "I don't wind out the confidential advice to old
Beaky, and that sort of thing.  I do the tips, yer know.  'Cap'n Kit,'
that's my name."

"What, the Captain Kit?" I says.  O' course I'd heard of him.

"Be'old!" he says.

"Oh, it's easy enough," he goes on.  "Some of 'em's bound to come out
right, and when one does, you take it from me, our paper mentions the
fact.  And when it is a wrong 'un--well, a man can't always be shouting
about himself, can 'e?"

He ordered a cup of coffee.  He said he was waiting for someone, and we
got to chatting about old times.

"How's Carrots?" I asked.

"Miss Caroline Trevelyan," he answered, "is doing well."

"Oh," I says, "you've found out her fam'ly name, then?"

"We've found out one or two things about that lidy," he replies.  "D'yer
remember 'er dancing?"

"I have seen her flinging her petticoats about outside the shop, when the
copper wasn't by, if that's what you mean," I says.

"That's what I mean," he answers.  "That's all the rage now,
'skirt-dancing' they calls it.  She's a-coming out at the Oxford
to-morrow.  It's 'er I'm waiting for.  She's a-coming on, I tell you she
is," he says.

"Shouldn't wonder," says I; "that was her disposition."

"And there's another thing we've found out about 'er," he says.  He leant
over the table, and whispered it, as if he was afraid that anybody else
might hear: "she's got a voice."

"Yes," I says, "some women have."

"Ah," he says, "but 'er voice is the sort of voice yer want to listen
to."

"Oh," I says, "that's its speciality, is it?"

"That's it, sonny," he replies.

She came in a little later.  I'd a' known her anywhere for her eyes, and
her red hair, in spite of her being that clean you might have eaten your
dinner out of her hand.  And as for her clothes!  Well, I've mixed a good
deal with the toffs in my time, and I've seen duchesses dressed more
showily and maybe more expensively, but her clothes seemed to be just a
framework to show her up.  She was a beauty, you can take it from me; and
it's not to be wondered that the La-De-Das were round her when they did
see her, like flies round an open jam tart.

Before three months were up she was the rage of London--leastways of the
music-hall part of it--with her portrait in all the shop windows, and
interviews with her in half the newspapers.  It seems she was the
daughter of an officer who had died in India when she was a baby, and the
niece of a bishop somewhere in Australia.  He was dead too.  There didn't
seem to be any of her ancestry as wasn't dead, but they had all been
swells.  She had been educated privately, she had, by a relative; and had
early displayed an aptitude for dancing, though her friends at first had
much opposed her going upon the stage.  There was a lot more of it--you
know the sort of thing.  Of course, she was a connection of one of our
best known judges--they all are--and she merely acted in order to support
a grandmother, or an invalid sister, I forget which.  A wonderful talent
for swallowing, these newspaper chaps has, some of 'em!

"Kipper" never touched a penny of her money, but if he had been her agent
at twenty-five per cent. he couldn't have worked harder, and he just kept
up the hum about her, till if you didn't want to hear anything more about
Caroline Trevelyan, your only chance would have been to lie in bed, and
never look at a newspaper.  It was Caroline Trevelyan at Home, Caroline
Trevelyan at Brighton, Caroline Trevelyan and the Shah of Persia,
Caroline Trevelyan and the Old Apple-woman.  When it wasn't Caroline
Trevelyan herself it would be Caroline Trevelyan's dog as would be doing
something out of the common, getting himself lost or summoned or
drowned--it didn't matter much what.

I moved from Oxford Street to the new "Horseshoe" that year--it had just
been rebuilt--and there I saw a good deal of them, for they came in to
lunch there or supper pretty regular.  Young "Kipper"--or the "Captain"
as everybody called him--gave out that he was her half-brother.

"I'ad to be some sort of a relation, you see," he explained to me.  "I'd
a' been 'er brother out and out; that would have been simpler, only the
family likeness wasn't strong enough.  Our styles o' beauty ain't
similar."  They certainly wasn't.

"Why don't you marry her?" I says, "and have done with it?"

He looked thoughtful at that.  "I did think of it," he says, "and I know,
jolly well, that if I 'ad suggested it 'fore she'd found herself, she'd
have agreed, but it don't seem quite fair now."

"How d'ye mean fair?" I says.

"Well, not fair to 'er," he says.  "I've got on all right, in a small
way; but she--well, she can just 'ave 'er pick of the nobs.  There's one
on 'em as I've made inquiries about.  'E'll be a dook, if a kid pegs out
as is expected to, and anyhow 'e'll be a markis, and 'e means the
straight thing--no errer.  It ain't fair for me to stand in 'er way."

"Well," I says, "you know your own business, but it seems to me she
wouldn't have much way to stand in if it hadn't been for you."

"Oh, that's all right," he says.  "I'm fond enough of the gell, but I
shan't clamour for a tombstone with wiolets, even if she ain't ever Mrs.
Capt'n Kit.  Business is business; and I ain't going to queer 'er pitch
for 'er."

I've often wondered what she'd a' said, if he'd up and put the case to
her plain, for she was a good sort; but, naturally enough, her head was a
bit swelled, and she'd read so much rot about herself in the papers that
she'd got at last to half believe some of it.  The thought of her
connection with the well-known judge seemed to hamper her at times, and
she wasn't quite so chummy with "Kipper" as used to be the case in the
Mile-End Road days, and he wasn't the sort as is slow to see a thing.

One day when he was having lunch by himself, and I was waiting on him, he
says, raising his glass to his lips, "Well, 'Enery, here's luck to yer!  I
won't be seeing you agen for some time."

"Oh," I says.  "What's up now?"

"I am," he says, "or rather my time is.  I'm off to Africa."

"Oh," I says, "and what about--"

"That's all right," he interrupts.  "I've fixed up that--a treat.  Truth,
that's why I'm going."

I thought at first he meant she was going with him.

"No," he says, "she's going to be the Duchess of Ridingshire with the
kind consent o' the kid I spoke about.  If not, she'll be the Marchioness
of Appleford.  'E's doing the square thing.  There's going to be a quiet
marriage to-morrow at the Registry Office, and then I'm off."

"What need for you to go?" I says.

"No need," he says; "it's a fancy o' mine.  You see, me gone, there's
nothing to 'amper 'er--nothing to interfere with 'er settling down as a
quiet, respectable toff.  With a 'alf-brother, who's always got to be
spry with some fake about 'is lineage and 'is ancestral estates, and who
drops 'is 'h's,' complications are sooner or later bound to a-rise.  Me
out of it--everything's simple.  Savey?"

Well, that's just how it happened.  Of course, there was a big row when
the family heard of it, and a smart lawyer was put up to try and undo the
thing.  No expense was spared, you bet; but it was all no go.  Nothing
could be found out against her.  She just sat tight and said nothing.  So
the thing had to stand.  They went and lived quietly in the country and
abroad for a year or two, and then folks forgot a bit, and they came back
to London.  I often used to see her name in print, and then the papers
always said as how she was charming and graceful and beautiful, so I
suppose the family had made up its mind to get used to her.

One evening in she comes to the Savoy.  My wife put me up to getting that
job, and a good job it is, mind you, when you know your way about.  I'd
never have had the cheek to try for it, if it hadn't been for the missis.
She's a clever one--she is.  I did a good day's work when I married her.

"You shave off that moustache of yours--it ain't an ornament," she says
to me, "and chance it.  Don't get attempting the lingo.  Keep to the
broken English, and put in a shrug or two.  You can manage that all
right."

I followed her tip.  Of course the manager saw through me, but I got in a
"Oui, monsieur" now and again, and they, being short handed at the time,
could not afford to be strict, I suppose.  Anyhow I got took on, and
there I stopped for the whole season, and that was the making of me.

Well, as I was saying, in she comes to the supper rooms, and toffy enough
she looked in her diamonds and furs, and as for haughtiness there wasn't
a born Marchioness she couldn't have given points to.  She comes straight
up to my table and sits down.  Her husband was with her, but he didn't
seem to have much to say, except to repeat her orders.  Of course I
looked as if I'd never set eyes on her before in all my life, though all
the time she was a-pecking at the mayonnaise and a-sipping at the
Giessler, I was thinking of the coffee-shop and of the ninepenny haddick
and the pint of cocoa.

"Go and fetch my cloak," she says to him after a while.  "I am cold."

And up he gets and goes out.

She never moved her head, and spoke as though she was merely giving me
some order, and I stands behind her chair, respectful like, and answers
according to the same tip,

"Ever hear from 'Kipper'?" she says to me.

"I have had one or two letters from him, your ladyship," I answers.

"Oh, stow that," she says.  "I am sick of 'your ladyship.'  Talk English;
I don't hear much of it.  How's he getting on?"

"Seems to be doing himself well," I says.  "He's started an hotel, and is
regular raking it in, he tells me."

"Wish I was behind the bar with him!" says she.

"Why, don't it work then?" I asks.

"It's just like a funeral with the corpse left out," says she.  "Serves
me jolly well right for being a fool!"

The Marquis, he comes back with her cloak at that moment, and I says:
"Certainement, madame," and gets clear.

I often used to see her there, and when a chance occurred she would talk
to me.  It seemed to be a relief to her to use her own tongue, but it
made me nervous at times for fear someone would hear her.

Then one day I got a letter from "Kipper" to say he was over for a
holiday and was stopping at Morley's, and asking me to look him up.

He had not changed much except to get a bit fatter and more prosperous-
looking.  Of course, we talked about her ladyship, and I told him what
she said.

"Rum things, women," he says; "never know their own minds."

"Oh, they know them all right when they get there," I says.  "How could
she tell what being a Marchioness was like till she'd tried it?"

"Pity," he says, musing like.  "I reckoned it the very thing she'd tumble
to.  I only come over to get a sight of 'er, and to satisfy myself as she
was getting along all right.  Seems I'd better a' stopped away."

"You ain't ever thought of marrying yourself?" I asks.

"Yes, I have," he says.  "It's slow for a man over thirty with no wife
and kids to bustle him, you take it from me, and I ain't the talent for
the Don Juan fake."

"You're like me," I says, "a day's work, and then a pipe by your own
fireside with your slippers on.  That's my swarry.  You'll find someone
as will suit you before long."

"No I shan't," says he.  "I've come across a few as might, if it 'adn't
been for 'er.  It's like the toffs as come out our way.  They've been
brought up on 'ris de veau a la financier,' and sich like, and it just
spoils 'em for the bacon and greens."

I give her the office the next time I see her, and they met accidental
like in Kensington Gardens early one morning.  What they said to one
another I don't know, for he sailed that same evening, and, it being the
end of the season, I didn't see her ladyship again for a long while.

When I did it was at the Hotel Bristol in Paris, and she was in widow's
weeds, the Marquis having died eight months before.  He never dropped
into that dukedom, the kid turning out healthier than was expected, and
hanging on; so she was still only a Marchioness, and her fortune, though
tidy, was nothing very big--not as that class reckons.  By luck I was
told off to wait on her, she having asked for someone as could speak
English.  She seemed glad to see me and to talk to me.

"Well," I says, "I suppose you'll be bossing that bar in Capetown now
before long?"

"Talk sense," she answers.  "How can the Marchioness of Appleford marry a
hotel keeper?"

"Why not," I says, "if she fancies him?  What's the good of being a
Marchioness if you can't do what you like?"

"That's just it," she snaps out; "you can't.  It would not be doing the
straight thing by the family.  No," she says, "I've spent their money,
and I'm spending it now.  They don't love me, but they shan't say as I
have disgraced them.  They've got their feelings same as I've got mine."

"Why not chuck the money?" I says.  "They'll be glad enough to get it
back," they being a poor lot, as I heard her say.

"How can I?" she says.  "It's a life interest.  As long as I live I've
got to have it, and as long as I live I've got to remain the Marchioness
of Appleford."

She finishes her soup, and pushes the plate away from her.  "As long as I
live," she says, talking to herself.

"By Jove!" she says, starting up "why not?"

"Why not what?" I says.

"Nothing," she answers.  "Get me an African telegraph form, and be quick
about it!"

I fetched it for her, and she wrote it and gave it to the porter then and
there; and, that done, she sat down and finished her dinner.

She was a bit short with me after that; so I judged it best to keep my
own place.

In the morning she got an answer that seemed to excite her, and that
afternoon she left; and the next I heard of her was a paragraph in the
newspaper, headed--"Death of the Marchioness of Appleford.  Sad
accident."  It seemed she had gone for a row on one of the Italian lakes
with no one but a boatman.  A squall had come on, and the boat had
capsized.  The boatman had swum ashore, but he had been unable to save
his passenger, and her body had never been recovered.  The paper reminded
its readers that she had formerly been the celebrated tragic actress,
Caroline Trevelyan, daughter of the well-known Indian judge of that name.

It gave me the blues for a day or two--that bit of news.  I had known her
from a baby as you might say, and had taken an interest in her.  You can
call it silly, but hotels and restaurants seemed to me less interesting
now there was no chance of ever seeing her come into one again.

I went from Paris to one of the smaller hotels in Venice.  The missis
thought I'd do well to pick up a bit of Italian, and perhaps she fancied
Venice for herself.  That's one of the advantages of our profession.  You
can go about.  It was a second-rate sort of place, and one evening, just
before lighting-up time, I had the salle-a-manger all to myself, and had
just taken up a paper when I hears the door open, and I turns round.

I saw "her" coming down the room.  There was no mistaking her.  She
wasn't that sort.

I sat with my eyes coming out of my head till she was close to me, and
then I says:

"Carrots!" I says, in a whisper like.  That was the name that come to me.

"'Carrots' it is," she says, and down she sits just opposite to me, and
then she laughs.

I could not speak, I could not move, I was that took aback, and the more
frightened I looked the more she laughed till "Kipper" comes into the
room.  There was nothing ghostly about him.  I never see a man look more
as if he had backed the winner.

"Why, it's 'Enery," he says; and he gives me a slap on the back, as
knocks the life into me again.

"I heard you was dead," I says, still staring at her.  "I read it in the
paper--'death of the Marchioness of Appleford.'"

"That's all right," she says.  "The Marchioness of Appleford is as dead
as a door-nail, and a good job too.  Mrs. Captain Kit's my name, nee
'Carrots.'"

"You said as 'ow I'd find someone to suit me 'fore long," says "Kipper"
to me, "and, by Jove! you were right; I 'ave.  I was waiting till I found
something equal to her ladyship, and I'd 'ave 'ad to wait a long time,
I'm thinking, if I 'adn't come across this one 'ere"; and he tucks her up
under his arm just as I remember his doing that day he first brought her
into the coffee-shop, and Lord, what a long time ago that was!

* * * * *

That is the story, among others, told me by Henry, the waiter.  I have,
at his request, substituted artificial names for real ones.  For Henry
tells me that at Capetown Captain Kit's First-class Family and Commercial
Hotel still runs, and that the landlady is still a beautiful woman with
fine eyes and red hair, who might almost be taken for a duchess--until
she opens her mouth, when her accent is found to be still slightly
reminiscent of the Mile-End Road.




THE USES AND ABUSES OF JOSEPH.


"It is just the same with what you may call the human joints," observed
Henry.  He was in one of his philosophic moods that evening.  "It all
depends upon the cooking.  I never see a youngster hanging up in the
refrigerator, as one may put it, but I says to myself: 'Now I wonder what
the cook is going to make of you!  Will you be minced and devilled and
fricasseed till you are all sauce and no meat?  Will you be hammered
tender and grilled over a slow fire till you are a blessing to mankind?
Or will you be spoilt in the boiling, and come out a stringy rag, an
immediate curse, and a permanent injury to those who have got to swallow
you?'

"There was a youngster I knew in my old coffee-shop days," continued
Henry, "that in the end came to be eaten by cannibals.  At least, so the
newspapers said.  Speaking for myself, I never believed the report: he
wasn't that sort.  If anybody was eaten, it was more likely the cannibal.
But that is neither here nor there.  What I am thinking of is what
happened before he and the cannibals ever got nigh to one another.  He
was fourteen when I first set eyes on him--Mile End fourteen, that is;
which is the same, I take it, as City eighteen and West End
five-and-twenty--and he was smart for his age into the bargain: a trifle
too smart as a matter of fact.  He always came into the shop at the same
time--half-past two; he always sat in the seat next the window; and three
days out of six, he would order the same dinner: a fourpenny beef-steak
pudding--we called it beef-steak, and, for all practical purposes, it was
beef-steak--a penny plate of potatoes, and a penny slice of roly-poly
pudding--'chest expander' was the name our customers gave it--to follow.
That showed sense, I always thought, that dinner alone; a more satisfying
menu, at the price, I defy any human being to work out.  He always had a
book with him, and he generally read during his meal; which is not a bad
plan if you don't want to think too much about what you are eating.  There
was a seedy chap, I remember, used to dine at a cheap restaurant where I
once served, just off the Euston Road.  He would stick a book up in front
of him--Eppy something or other--and read the whole time.  Our
four-course shilling table d'hote with Eppy, he would say, was a banquet
fit for a prince; without Eppy he was of opinion that a policeman
wouldn't touch it.  But he was one of those men that report things for
the newspapers, and was given to exaggeration.

"A coffee-shop becomes a bit of a desert towards three o'clock; and,
after a while, young Tidelman, for that was his name, got to putting down
his book and chatting to me.  His father was dead; which, judging from
what he told me about the old man, must have been a bit of luck for
everybody; and his mother, it turned out, had come from my own village in
Suffolk; and that constituted a sort of bond between us, seeing I had
known all her people pretty intimately.  He was earning good money at a
dairy, where his work was scouring milk-cans; and his Christian
name--which was the only thing Christian about him, and that, somehow or
another, didn't seem to fit him--was Joseph.

"One afternoon he came into the shop looking as if he had lost a shilling
and found sixpence, as the saying is; and instead of drinking water as
usual, sent the girl out for a pint of ale.  The moment it came he drank
off half of it at a gulp, and then sat staring out of the window.

"'What's up?' I says.  'Got the shove?'

"'Yes,' he answers; 'but, as it happens, it's a shove up.  I've been
taken off the yard and put on the walk, with a rise of two bob a week.'
Then he took another pull at the beer and looked more savage than ever.

"'Well,' I says, 'that ain't the sort of thing to be humpy about.'

"'Yes it is,' he snaps back; 'it means that if I don't take precious good
care I'll drift into being a blooming milkman, spending my life yelling
"Milk ahoi!" and spooning smutty-faced servant-gals across area
railings.'

"'Oh!' I says, 'and what may you prefer to spoon--duchesses?'

"'Yes,' he answers sulky-like; 'duchesses are right enough--some of 'em.'

"'So are servant-gals,' I says, 'some of 'em.  Your hat's feeling a bit
small for you this morning, ain't it?'

"'Hat's all right,' says he; 'it's the world as I'm complaining
of--beastly place; there's nothing to do in it.'

"'Oh!' I says; 'some of us find there's a bit too much.'  I'd been up
since five that morning myself; and his own work, which was scouring milk-
cans for twelve hours a day, didn't strike me as suggesting a life of
leisured ease.

"'I don't mean that,' he says.  'I mean things worth doing.'

"'Well, what do you want to do,' I says, 'that this world ain't big
enough for?'

"'It ain't the size of it,' he says; 'it's the dulness of it.  Things
used to be different in the old days.'

"'How do you know?' I says.

"'You can read about it,' he answers.

"'Oh,' I says, 'and what do they know about it--these gents that sit down
and write about it for their living!  You show me a book cracking up the
old times, writ by a chap as lived in 'em, and I'll believe you.  Till
then I'll stick to my opinion that the old days were much the same as
these days, and maybe a trifle worse.'

"'From a Sunday School point of view, perhaps yes,' says he; 'but there's
no gainsaying--'

"'No what?' I says.

"'No gainsaying,' repeats he; 'it's a common word in literatoor.'

"'Maybe,' says I, 'but this happens to be "The Blue Posts Coffee House,"
established in the year 1863.  We will use modern English here, if you
don't mind.'  One had to take him down like that at times.  He was the
sort of boy as would talk poetry to you if you weren't firm with him.

"'Well then, there's no denying the fact,' says he, 'if you prefer it
that way, that in the old days there was more opportunity for adventure.'

"'What about Australia?' says I.

"'Australia!' retorts he; 'what would I do there?  Be a shepherd, like
you see in the picture, wear ribbons, and play the flute?'

"'There's not much of that sort of shepherding over there,' says I,
'unless I've been deceived; but if Australia ain't sufficiently
uncivilised for you, what about Africa?'

"'What's the good of Africa?' replies he; 'you don't read advertisements
in the "Clerkenwell News": "Young men wanted as explorers."  I'd drift
into a barber's shop at Cape Town more likely than anything else.'

"'What about the gold diggings?' I suggests.  I like to see a youngster
with the spirit of adventure in him.  It shows grit as a rule.

"'Played out,' says he.  'You are employed by a company, wages ten
dollars a week, and a pension for your old age.  Everything's played
out,' he continues.  'Men ain't wanted nowadays.  There's only room for
clerks, and intelligent artisans, and shopboys.'

"'Go for a soldier,' says I; 'there's excitement for you.'

"'That would have been all right,' says he, 'in the days when there was
real fighting.'

"'There's a good bit of it going about nowadays,' I says.  'We are
generally at it, on and off, between shouting about the blessings of
peace.'

"'Not the sort of fighting I mean,' replies he; 'I want to do something
myself, not be one of a row.'

"'Well,' I says, 'I give you up.  You've dropped into the wrong world it
seems to me.  We don't seem able to cater for you here.'

"'I've come a bit too late,' he answers; 'that's the mistake I've made.
Two hundred years ago there were lots of things a fellow might have
done.'

"'Yes, I know what's in your mind,' I says: 'pirates.'

"'Yes, pirates would be all right,' says he; 'they got plenty of sea-air
and exercise, and didn't need to join a blooming funeral club.'

"'You've got ideas above your station,' I says.  'You work hard, and one
day you'll have a milk-shop of your own, and be walking out with a pretty
housemaid on your arm, feeling as if you were the Prince of Wales
himself.'

"'Stow it!' he says; 'it makes me shiver for fear it might come true.  I'm
not cut out for a respectable cove, and I won't be one neither, if I can
help it!'

"'What do you mean to be, then?' I says; 'we've all got to be something,
until we're stiff 'uns.'

"'Well,' he says, quite cool-like, 'I think I shall be a burglar.'

"I dropped into the seat opposite and stared at him.  If any other lad
had said it I should have known it was only foolishness, but he was just
the sort to mean it.

"'It's the only calling I can think of,' says he, 'that has got any
element of excitement left in it.'

"'You call seven years at Portland "excitement," do you?' says I,
thinking of the argument most likely to tell upon him.

"'What's the difference,' answers he, 'between Portland and the ordinary
labouring man's life, except that at Portland you never need fear being
out of work?'  He was a rare one to argue.  'Besides,' says he, 'it's
only the fools as gets copped.  Look at that diamond robbery in Bond
Street, two years ago.  Fifty thousand pounds' worth of jewels stolen,
and never a clue to this day!  Look at the Dublin Bank robbery,' says he,
his eyes all alight, and his face flushed like a girl's.  'Three thousand
pounds in golden sovereigns walked away with in broad daylight, and never
so much as the flick of a coat-tail seen.  Those are the sort of men I'm
thinking of, not the bricklayer out of work, who smashes a window and
gets ten years for breaking open a cheesemonger's till with nine and
fourpence ha'penny in it.'

"'Yes,' says I, 'and are you forgetting the chap who was nabbed at
Birmingham only last week?  He wasn't exactly an amatoor.  How long do
think he'll get?'

"'A man like that deserves what he gets,' answers he; 'couldn't hit a
police-man at six yards.'

"'You bloodthirsty young scoundrel,' I says; 'do you mean you wouldn't
stick at murder?'

"'It's all in the game,' says he, not in the least put out.  'I take my
risks, he takes his.  It's no more murder than soldiering is.'

"'It's taking a human creature's life,' I says.

"'Well,' he says, 'what of it?  There's plenty more where he comes from.'

"I tried reasoning with him from time to time, but he wasn't a sort of
boy to be moved from a purpose.  His mother was the only argument that
had any weight with him.  I believe so long as she had lived he would
have kept straight; that was the only soft spot in him.  But
unfortunately she died a couple of years later, and then I lost sight of
Joe altogether.  I made enquiries, but no one could tell me anything.  He
had just disappeared, that's all.

"One afternoon, four years later, I was sitting in the coffee-room of a
City restaurant where I was working, reading the account of a clever
robbery committed the day before.  The thief, described as a well-dressed
young man of gentlemanly appearance, wearing a short black beard and
moustache, had walked into a branch of the London and Westminster Bank
during the dinner-hour, when only the manager and one clerk were there.
He had gone straight through to the manager's room at the back of the
bank, taken the key from the inside of the door, and before the man could
get round his desk had locked him in.  The clerk, with a knife to his
throat, had then been persuaded to empty all the loose cash in the bank,
amounting in gold and notes to nearly five hundred pounds, into a bag
which the thief had thoughtfully brought with him.  After which, both of
them--for the thief seems to have been of a sociable disposition--got
into a cab which was waiting outside, and drove away.  They drove
straight to the City: the clerk, with a knife pricking the back of his
neck all the time, finding it, no doubt, a tiresome ride.  In the middle
of Threadneedle Street, the gentlemanly young man suddenly stopped the
cab and got out, leaving the clerk to pay the cabman.

"Somehow or other, the story brought back Joseph to my mind.  I seemed to
see him as that well-dressed gentlemanly young man; and, raising my eyes
from the paper, there he stood before me.  He had scarcely changed at all
since I last saw him, except that he had grown better looking, and seemed
more cheerful.  He nodded to me as though we had parted the day before,
and ordered a chop and a small hock.  I spread a fresh serviette for him,
and asked him if he cared to see the paper.

"'Anything interesting in it, Henry?' says he.

"'Rather a daring robbery committed on the Westminster Bank yesterday,' I
answers.

"'Oh, ah!  I did see something about that,' says he.

"'The thief was described as a well-dressed young man of gentlemanly
appearance, wearing a black beard and moustache,' says I.

"He laughs pleasantly.

"'That will make it awkward for nice young men with black beards and
moustaches,' says he.

"'Yes,' I says.  'Fortunately for you and me, we're clean shaved.'

"I felt as certain he was the man as though I'd seen him do it.

"He gives me a sharp glance, but I was busy with the cruets, and he had
to make what he chose out of it.

"'Yes,' he replies, 'as you say, it was a daring robbery.  But the man
seems to have got away all right.'

"I could see he was dying to talk to somebody about it.

"'He's all right to-day,' says I; 'but the police ain't the fools they're
reckoned.  I've noticed they generally get there in the end.'

"'There's some very intelligent men among them,' says he: 'no question of
it.  I shouldn't be surprised if they had a clue!'

"'No,' I says, 'no more should I; though no doubt he's telling himself
there never was such a clever thief.'

"'Well, we shall see,' says he.

"'That's about it,' says I.

"We talked a bit about old acquaintances and other things, and then,
having finished, he handed me a sovereign and rose to go.

"'Wait a minute,' I says, 'your bill comes to three-and-eight.  Say
fourpence for the waiter; that leaves sixteen shillings change, which
I'll ask you to put in your pocket.'

"'As you will,' he says, laughing, though I could see he didn't like it.

"'And one other thing,' says I.  'We've been sort of pals, and it's not
my business to talk unless I'm spoken to.  But I'm a married man,' I
says, 'and I don't consider you the sort worth getting into trouble for.
If I never see you, I know nothing about you.  Understand?'

"He took my tip, and I didn't see him again at that restaurant.  I kept
my eye on the paper, but the Westminster Bank thief was never discovered,
and success, no doubt, gave him confidence.  Anyhow, I read of two or
three burglaries that winter which I unhesitatingly put down to Mr.
Joseph--I suppose there's style in housebreaking, as in other things--and
early the next spring an exciting bit of business occurred, which I knew
to be his work by the description of the man.

"He had broken into a big country house during the servants' supper-hour,
and had stuffed his pockets with jewels.  One of the guests, a young
officer, coming upstairs, interrupted him just as he had finished.  Joseph
threatened the man with his revolver; but this time it was not a nervous
young clerk he had to deal with.  The man sprang at him, and a desperate
struggle followed, with the result that in the end the officer was left
with a bullet in his leg, while Joseph jumped clean through the window,
and fell thirty feet.  Cut and bleeding, if not broken, he would never
have got away but that, fortunately for him, a tradesman's cart happened
to be standing at the servants' entrance.  Joe was in it, and off like a
flash of greased lightning.  How he managed to escape, with all the
country in an uproar, I can't tell you; but he did it.  The horse and
cart, when found sixteen miles off, were neither worth much.

"That, it seems, sobered him down for a bit, and nobody heard any more of
him till nine months later, when he walked into the Monico, where I was
then working, and held out his hand to me as bold as brass.

"'It's all right,' says he, 'it's the hand of an honest man.'

"'It's come into your possession very recently then,' says I.

"He was dressed in a black frock-coat and wore whiskers.  If I hadn't
known him, I should have put him down for a parson out of work.

"He laughs.  'I'll tell you all about it,' he says.

"'Not here,' I answers, 'because I'm too busy; but if you like to meet me
this evening, and you're talking straight--'

"'Straight as a bullet,' says he.  'Come and have a bit of dinner with me
at the Craven; it's quiet there, and we can talk.  I've been looking for
you for the last week.'

"Well, I met him; and he told me.  It was the old story: a gal was at the
bottom of it.  He had broken into a small house at Hampstead.  He was on
the floor, packing up the silver, when the door opens, and he sees a gal
standing there.  She held a candle in one hand and a revolver in the
other.

"'Put your hands up above your head,' says she.

"'I looked at the revolver,' said Joe, telling me; 'it was about eighteen
inches off my nose; and then I looked at the gal.  There's lots of 'em
will threaten to blow your brains out for you, but you've only got to
look at 'em to know they won't.

"'They are thinking of the coroner's inquest, and wondering how the judge
will sum up.  She met my eyes, and I held up my hands.  If I hadn't I
wouldn't have been here.

"'Now you go in front,' says she to Joe, and he went.  She laid her
candle down in the hall and unbolted the front door.

"'What are you going to do?' says Joe, 'call the police?  Because if so,
my dear, I'll take my chance of that revolver being loaded and of your
pulling the trigger in time.  It will be a more dignified ending.'

"'No,' says she, 'I had a brother that got seven years for forgery.  I
don't want to think of another face like his when he came out.  I'm going
to see you outside my master's house, and that's all I care about.'

"She went down the garden-path with him, and opened the gate.

"'You turn round,' says she, 'before you reach the bottom of the lane and
I give the alarm.'  And Joe went straight, and didn't look behind him.

"Well, it was a rum beginning to a courtship, but the end was rummer.  The
girl was willing to marry him if he would turn honest.  Joe wanted to
turn honest, but didn't know how.

"'It's no use fixing me down, my dear, to any quiet, respectable
calling,' says Joe to the gal, 'because, even if the police would let me
alone, I wouldn't be able to stop there.  I'd break out, sooner or later,
try as I might.'

"The girl went to her master, who seems to have been an odd sort of a
cove, and told him the whole story.  The old gent said he'd see Joe, and
Joe called on him.

"'What's your religion?' says the old gent to Joe.

"'I'm not particular, sir; I'll leave it to you,' says Joe.

"'Good!' says the old gent.  'You're no fanatic.  What are your
principles?'

"At first Joe didn't think he'd got any, but, the old gent leading, he
found to his surprise as he had.

"'I believe,' says Joe, 'in doing a job thoroughly.'

"'What your hand finds to do, you believe in doing with all your might,
eh?' says the old gent.

"'That's it, sir,' says Joe.  'That's what I've always tried to do.'

"'Anything else?' asks the old gent.

"'Yes; stick to your pals,' said Joe.

"'Through thick and thin,' suggests the old gent.

"'To the blooming end,' agrees Joe.

"'That's right,' says the old gent.  'Faithful unto death.  And you
really want to turn over a new leaf--to put your wits and your energy and
your courage to good use instead of bad?'

"'That's the idea,' says Joe.

"The old gent murmurs something to himself about a stone which the
builders wouldn't have at any price; and then he turns and puts it
straight:

"'If you undertake the work,' says he, 'you'll go through with it without
faltering--you'll devote your life to it?'

"'If I undertake the job, I'll do that,' says Joe.  'What may it be?'

"'To go to Africa,' says the old gent, 'as a missionary.'

"Joe sits down and stares at the old gent, and the old gent looks him
back.

"'It's a dangerous station,' says the old gent.  'Two of our people have
lost their lives there.  It wants a man there--a man who will do
something besides preach, who will save these poor people we have
gathered together there from being scattered and lost, who will be their
champion, their protector, their friend.'

"In the end, Joe took on the job, and went out with his wife.  A better
missionary that Society never had and never wanted.  I read one of his
early reports home; and if the others were anything like it his life must
have been exciting enough, even for him.  His station was a small island
of civilisation, as one may say, in the middle of a sea of savages.
Before he had been there a month the place had been attacked twice.  On
the first occasion Joe's 'flock' had crowded into the Mission House, and
commenced to pray, that having been the plan of defence adopted by his
predecessor.  Joe cut the prayer short, and preached to them from the
text, 'Heaven helps them as helps themselves'; after which he proceeded
to deal out axes and old rifles.  In his report he mentioned that he had
taken a hand himself, merely as an example to the flock; I bet he had
never enjoyed an evening more in all his life.  The second fight began,
as usual, round the Mission, but seems to have ended two miles off.  In
less than six months he had rebuilt the school-house, organised a police
force, converted all that was left of one tribe, and started a tin
church.  He added (but I don't think they read that part of his report
aloud) that law and order was going to be respected, and life and
property secure in his district so long as he had a bullet left.

"Later on the Society sent him still further inland, to open up a fresh
station; and there it was that, according to the newspapers, the
cannibals got hold of him and ate him.  As I said, personally I don't
believe it.  One of these days he'll turn up, sound and whole; he is that
sort."




THE SURPRISE OF MR. MILBERRY.


"It's not the sort of thing to tell 'em," remarked Henry, as, with his
napkin over his arm, he leant against one of the pillars of the verandah,
and sipped the glass of Burgundy I had poured out for him; "and they
wouldn't believe it if you did tell 'em, not one of 'em.  But it's the
truth, for all that.  Without the clothes they couldn't do it."

"Who wouldn't believe what?" I asked.  He had a curious habit, had Henry,
of commenting aloud upon his own unspoken thoughts, thereby bestowing
upon his conversation much of the quality of the double acrostic.  We had
been discussing the question whether sardines served their purpose better
as a hors d'oeuvre or as a savoury; and I found myself wondering for the
moment why sardines, above all other fish, should be of an unbelieving
nature; while endeavouring to picture to myself the costume best adapted
to display the somewhat difficult figure of a sardine.  Henry put down
his glass, and came to my rescue with the necessary explanation.

"Why, women--that they can tell one baby from another, without its
clothes.  I've got a sister, a monthly nurse, and she will tell you for a
fact, if you care to ask her, that up to three months of age there isn't
really any difference between 'em.  You can tell a girl from a boy and a
Christian child from a black heathen, perhaps; but to fancy you can put
your finger on an unclothed infant and say: 'That's a Smith, or that's a
Jones,' as the case may be--why, it's sheer nonsense.  Take the things
off 'em, and shake them up in a blanket, and I'll bet you what you like
that which is which you'd never be able to tell again so long as you
lived."

I agreed with Henry, so far as my own personal powers of discrimination
might be concerned, but I suggested that to Mrs. Jones or Mrs. Smith
there would surely occur some means of identification.

"So they'd tell you themselves, no doubt," replied Henry; "and of course,
I am not thinking of cases where the child might have a mole or a squint,
as might come in useful.  But take 'em in general, kids are as much alike
as sardines of the same age would be.  Anyhow, I knew a case where a fool
of a young nurse mixed up two children at an hotel, and to this day
neither of those women is sure that she's got her own."

"Do you mean," I said, "there was no possible means of distinguishing?"

"There wasn't a flea-bite to go by," answered Henry.  "They had the same
bumps, the same pimples, the same scratches; they were the same age to
within three days; they weighed the same to an ounce; and they measured
the same to an inch.  One father was tall and fair, and the other was
short and dark.  The tall, fair man had a dark, short wife; and the
short, dark man had married a tall, fair woman.  For a week they changed
those kids to and fro a dozen times a day, and cried and quarrelled over
them.  Each woman felt sure she was the mother of the one that was
crowing at the moment, and when it yelled she was positive it was no
child of hers.  They thought they would trust to the instinct of the
children.  Neither child, so long as it wasn't hungry, appeared to care a
curse for anybody; and when it was hungry it always wanted the mother
that the other kid had got.  They decided, in the end, to leave it to
time.  It's three years ago now, and possibly enough some likeness to the
parents will develop that will settle the question.  All I say is, up to
three months old you can't tell 'em, I don't care who says you can."

He paused, and appeared to be absorbed in contemplation of the distant
Matterhorn, then clad in its rosy robe of evening.  There was a vein of
poetry in Henry, not uncommon among cooks and waiters.  The perpetual
atmosphere of hot food I am inclined to think favourable to the growth of
the softer emotions.  One of the most sentimental men I ever knew kept a
ham-and-beef shop just off the Farringdon Road.  In the early morning he
could be shrewd and business-like, but when hovering with a knife and
fork above the mingled steam of bubbling sausages and hissing
peas-pudding, any whimpering tramp with any impossible tale of woe could
impose upon him easily.

"But the rummiest go I ever recollect in connection with a baby,"
continued Henry after a while, his gaze still fixed upon the distant snow-
crowned peaks, "happened to me at Warwick in the Jubilee year.  I'll
never forget that."

"Is it a proper story," I asked, "a story fit for me to hear?"

On consideration, Henry saw no harm in it, and told it to me accordingly.

* * * * *

He came by the 'bus that meets the 4.52.  He'd a handbag and a sort of
hamper: it looked to me like a linen-basket.  He wouldn't let the Boots
touch the hamper, but carried it up into his bedroom himself.  He carried
it in front of him by the handles, and grazed his knuckles at every
second step.  He slipped going round the bend of the stairs, and knocked
his head a rattling good thump against the balustrade; but he never let
go that hamper--only swore and plunged on.  I could see he was nervous
and excited, but one gets used to nervous and excited people in hotels.
Whether a man's running away from a thing, or running after a thing, he
stops at a hotel on his way; and so long as he looks as if he could pay
his bill one doesn't trouble much about him.  But this man interested me:
he was so uncommonly young and innocent-looking.  Besides, it was a dull
hole of a place after the sort of jobs I'd been used to; and when you've
been doing nothing for three months but waiting on commercial gents as
are having an exceptionally bad season, and spoony couples with guide-
books, you get a bit depressed, and welcome any incident, however slight,
that promises to be out of the common.

I followed him up into his room, and asked him if I could do anything for
him.  He flopped the hamper on the bed with a sigh of relief, took off
his hat, wiped his head with his handkerchief, and then turned to answer
me.

"Are you a married man?" says he.

It was an odd question to put to a waiter, but coming from a gent there
was nothing to be alarmed about.

"Well, not exactly," I says--I was only engaged at that time, and that
not to my wife, if you understand what I mean--"but I know a good deal
about it," I says, "and if it's a matter of advice--"

"It isn't that," he answers, interrupting me; "but I don't want you to
laugh at me.  I thought if you were a married man you would be able to
understand the thing better.  Have you got an intelligent woman in the
house?"

"We've got women," I says.  "As to their intelligence, that's a matter of
opinion; they're the average sort of women.  Shall I call the
chambermaid?"

"Ah, do," he says.  "Wait a minute," he says; "we'll open it first."

He began to fumble with the cord, then he suddenly lets go and begins to
chuckle to himself.

"No," he says, "you open it.  Open it carefully; it will surprise you."

I don't take much stock in surprises myself.  My experience is that
they're mostly unpleasant.

"What's in it?" I says.

"You'll see if you open it," he says: "it won't hurt you."  And off he
goes again, chuckling to himself.

"Well," I says to myself, "I hope you're a harmless specimen."  Then an
idea struck me, and I stopped with the knot in my fingers.

"It ain't a corpse," I says, "is it?"

He turned as white as the sheet on the bed, and clutched the mantlepiece.
"Good God! don't suggest such a thing," he says; "I never thought of
that.  Open it quickly."

"I'd rather you came and opened it yourself, sir," I says.  I was
beginning not to half like the business.

"I can't," he says, "after that suggestion of yours--you've put me all in
a tremble.  Open it quick, man; tell me it's all right."

Well, my own curiosity helped me.  I cut the cord, threw open the lid,
and looked in.  He kept his eyes turned away, as if he were frightened to
look for himself.

"Is it all right?" he says.  "Is it alive?"

"It's about as alive," I says, "as anybody'll ever want it to be, I
should say."

"Is it breathing all right?" he says.

"If you can't hear it breathing," I says, "I'm afraid you're deaf."

You might have heard its breathing outside in the street.  He listened,
and even he was satisfied.

"Thank Heaven!" he says, and down he plumped in the easy-chair by the
fireplace.  "You know, I never thought of that," he goes on.  "He's been
shut up in that basket for over an hour, and if by any chance he'd
managed to get his head entangled in the clothes--I'll never do such a
fool's trick again!"

"You're fond of it?" I says.

He looked round at me.  "Fond of it," he repeats.  "Why, I'm his father."
And then he begins to laugh again.

"Oh!" I says.  "Then I presume I have the pleasure of addressing Mr.
Coster King?"

"Coster King?" he answers in surprise.  "My name's Milberry."

I says: "The father of this child, according to the label inside the
cover, is Coster King out of Starlight, his mother being Jenny Deans out
of Darby the Devil."

He looks at me in a nervous fashion, and puts the chair between us.  It
was evidently his turn to think as how I was mad.  Satisfying himself, I
suppose, that at all events I wasn't dangerous, he crept closer till he
could get a look inside the basket.  I never heard a man give such an
unearthly yell in all my life.  He stood on one side of the bed and I on
the other.  The dog, awakened by the noise, sat up and grinned, first at
one of us and then at the other.  I took it to be a bull-pup of about
nine months old, and a fine specimen for its age.

"My child!" he shrieks, with his eyes starting out of his head, "That
thing isn't my child.  What's happened?  Am I going mad?"

"You're on that way," I says, and so he was.  "Calm yourself," I says;
"what did you expect to see?"

"My child," he shrieks again; "my only child--my baby!"

"Do you mean a real child?" I says, "a human child?"  Some folks have
such a silly way of talking about their dogs--you never can tell.

"Of course I do," he says; "the prettiest child you ever saw in all your
life, just thirteen weeks old on Sunday.  He cut his first tooth
yesterday."

The sight of the dog's face seemed to madden him.  He flung himself upon
the basket, and would, I believe, have strangled the poor beast if I
hadn't interposed between them.

"'Tain't the dog's fault," I says; "I daresay he's as sick about the
whole business as you are.  He's lost, too.  Somebody's been having a
lark with you.  They've took your baby out and put this in--that is, if
there ever was a baby there."

"What do you mean?" he says.

"Well, sir," I says, "if you'll excuse me, gentlemen in their sober
senses don't take their babies about in dog-baskets.  Where do you come
from?"

"From Banbury," he says; "I'm well known in Banbury."

"I can quite believe it," I says; "you're the sort of young man that
would be known anywhere."

"I'm Mr. Milberry," he says, "the grocer, in the High Street."

"Then what are you doing here with this dog?" I says.

"Don't irritate me," he answers.  "I tell you I don't know myself.  My
wife's stopping here at Warwick, nursing her mother, and in every letter
she's written home for the last fortnight she's said, 'Oh, how I do long
to see Eric!  If only I could see Eric for a moment!'"

"A very motherly sentiment," I says, "which does her credit."

"So this afternoon," continues he, "it being early-closing day, I thought
I'd bring the child here, so that she might see it, and see that it was
all right.  She can't leave her mother for more than about an hour, and I
can't go up to the house, because the old lady doesn't like me, and I
excite her.  I wish to wait here, and Milly--that's my wife--was to come
to me when she could get away.  I meant this to be a surprise to her."

"And I guess," I says, "it will be the biggest one you have ever given
her."

"Don't try to be funny about it," he says; "I'm not altogether myself,
and I may do you an injury."

He was right.  It wasn't a subject for joking, though it had its humorous
side.

"But why," I says, "put it in a dog-basket?"

"It isn't a dog-basket," he answers irritably; "it's a picnic hamper.  At
the last moment I found I hadn't got the face to carry the child in my
arms: I thought of what the street-boys would call out after me.  He's a
rare one to sleep, and I thought if I made him comfortable in that he
couldn't hurt, just for so short a journey.  I took it in the carriage
with me, and carried it on my knees; I haven't let it out of my hands a
blessed moment.  It's witchcraft, that's what it is.  I shall believe in
the devil after this."

"Don't be ridiculous," I says, "there's some explanation; it only wants
finding.  You are sure this is the identical hamper you packed the child
in?"

He was calmer now.  He leant over and examined it carefully.  "It looks
like it," he says; "but I can't swear to it."

"You tell me," I says, "you never let it go out of your hands.  Now
think."

"No," he says, "it's been on my knees all the time."

"But that's nonsense," I says; "unless you packed the dog yourself in
mistake for your baby.  Now think it over quietly.  I'm not your wife,
I'm only trying to help you.  I shan't say anything even if you did take
your eyes off the thing for a minute."

He thought again, and a light broke over his face.  "By Jove!" he says,
"you're right.  I did put it down for a moment on the platform at Banbury
while I bought a 'Tit-Bits.'"

"There you are," I says; "now you're talking sense.  And wait a minute;
isn't to-morrow the first day of the Birmingham Dog Show?"

"I believe you're right," he says.

"Now we're getting warm," I says.  "By a coincidence this dog was being
taken to Birmingham, packed in a hamper exactly similar to the one you
put your baby in.  You've got this man's bull-pup, he's got your baby;
and I wouldn't like to say off-hand at this moment which of you's feeling
the madder.  As likely as not, he thinks you've done it on purpose."

He leant his head against the bed-post and groaned.  "Milly may be here
at any moment," says he, "and I'll have to tell her the baby's been sent
by mistake to a Dog Show!  I daresn't do it," he says, "I daresn't do
it."

"Go on to Birmingham," I says, "and try and find it.  You can catch the
quarter to six and be back here before eight."

"Come with me," he says; "you're a good man, come with me.  I ain't fit
to go by myself."

He was right; he'd have got run over outside the door, the state he was
in then.

"Well," I says, "if the guv'nor don't object--"

"Oh! he won't, he can't," cries the young fellow, wringing his hands.
"Tell him it's a matter of a life's happiness.  Tell him--"

"I'll tell him it's a matter of half sovereign extra on to the bill," I
says.  "That'll more likely do the trick."

And so it did, with the result that in another twenty minutes me and
young Milberry and the bull-pup in its hamper were in a third-class
carriage on our way to Birmingham.  Then the difficulties of the chase
began to occur to me.  Suppose by luck I was right; suppose the pup was
booked for the Birmingham Dog Show; and suppose by a bit more luck a gent
with a hamper answering description had been noticed getting out of the
5.13 train; then where were we?  We might have to interview every cabman
in the town.  As likely as not, by the time we did find the kid, it
wouldn't be worth the trouble of unpacking.  Still, it wasn't my cue to
blab my thoughts.  The father, poor fellow, was feeling, I take it, just
about as bad as he wanted to feel.  My business was to put hope into him;
so when he asked me for about the twentieth time if I thought as he would
ever see his child alive again, I snapped him up shortish.

"Don't you fret yourself about that," I says.  "You'll see a good deal of
that child before you've done with it.  Babies ain't the sort of things
as gets lost easily.  It's only on the stage that folks ever have any
particular use for other people's children.  I've known some bad
characters in my time, but I'd have trusted the worst of 'em with a wagon-
load of other people's kids.  Don't you flatter yourself you're going to
lose it!  Whoever's got it, you take it from me, his idea is to do the
honest thing, and never rest till he's succeeded in returning it to the
rightful owner."

Well, my talking like that cheered him, and when we reached Birmingham he
was easier.  We tackled the station-master, and he tackled all the
porters who could have been about the platform when the 5.13 came in.  All
of 'em agreed that no gent got out of that train carrying a hamper.  The
station-master was a family man himself, and when we explained the case
to him he sympathised and telegraphed to Banbury.  The booking-clerk at
Banbury remembered only three gents booking by that particular train.  One
had been Mr. Jessop, the corn-chandler; the second was a stranger, who
had booked to Wolverhampton; and the third had been young Milberry
himself.  The business began to look hopeless, when one of Smith's
newsboys, who was hanging around, struck in:

"I see an old lady," says he, "hovering about outside the station, and a-
hailing cabs, and she had a hamper with her as was as like that one there
as two peas."

I thought young Milberry would have fallen upon the boy's neck and kissed
him.  With the boy to help us, we started among the cabmen.  Old ladies
with dog-baskets ain't so difficult to trace.  She had gone to a small
second-rate hotel in the Aston Road.  I heard all particulars from the
chambermaid, and the old girl seems to have had as bad a time in her way
as my gent had in his.  They couldn't get the hamper into the cab, it had
to go on the top.  The old lady was very worried, as it was raining at
the time, and she made the cabman cover it with his apron.  Getting it
off the cab they dropped the whole thing in the road; that woke the child
up, and it began to cry.

"Good Lord, Ma'am! what is it?" asks the chambermaid, "a baby?"

"Yes, my dear, it's my baby," answers the old lady, who seems to have
been a cheerful sort of old soul--leastways, she was cheerful up to then.
"Poor dear, I hope they haven't hurt him."

The old lady had ordered a room with a fire in it.  The Boots took the
hamper up, and laid it on the hearthrug.  The old lady said she and the
chambermaid would see to it, and turned him out.  By this time, according
to the girl's account, it was roaring like a steam-siren.

"Pretty dear!" says the old lady, fumbling with the cord, "don't cry;
mother's opening it as fast as she can."  Then she turns to the
chambermaid--"If you open my bag," says she, "you will find a bottle of
milk and some dog-biscuits."

"Dog-biscuits!" says the chambermaid.

"Yes," says the old lady, laughing, "my baby loves dog-biscuits."

The girl opened the bag, and there, sure enough, was a bottle of milk and
half a dozen Spratt's biscuits.  She had her back to the old lady, when
she heard a sort of a groan and a thud as made her turn round.  The old
lady was lying stretched dead on the hearthrug--so the chambermaid
thought.  The kid was sitting up in the hamper yelling the roof off.  In
her excitement, not knowing what she was doing, she handed it a biscuit,
which it snatched at greedily and began sucking.

Then she set to work to slap the old lady back to life again.  In about a
minute the poor old soul opened her eyes and looked round.  The baby was
quiet now, gnawing the dog-biscuit.  The old lady looked at the child,
then turned and hid her face against the chambermaid's bosom.

"What is it?" she says, speaking in an awed voice.  "The thing in the
hamper?"

"It's a baby, Ma'am," says the maid.

"You're sure it ain't a dog?" says the old lady.  "Look again."

The girl began to feel nervous, and to wish that she wasn't alone with
the old lady.

"I ain't likely to mistake a dog for a baby, Ma'am," says the girl.  "It's
a child--a human infant."

The old lady began to cry softly.  "It's a judgment on me," she says.  "I
used to talk to that dog as if it had been a Christian, and now this
thing has happened as a punishment."

"What's happened?" says the chambermaid, who was naturally enough growing
more and more curious.

"I don't know," says the old lady, sitting up on the floor.  "If this
isn't a dream, and if I ain't mad, I started from my home at Farthinghoe,
two hours ago, with a one-year-old bulldog packed in that hamper.  You
saw me open it; you see what's inside it now."

"But bulldogs," says the chambermaid, "ain't changed into babies by
magic."

"I don't know how it's done," says the old lady, "and I don't see that it
matters.  I know I started with a bulldog, and somehow or other it's got
turned into that."

"Somebody's put it there," says the chambermaid; "somebody as wanted to
get rid of a child.  They've took your dog out and put that in its
place."

"They must have been precious smart," says the old lady; "the hamper
hasn't been out of my sight for more than five minutes, when I went into
the refreshment-room at Banbury for a cup of tea."

"That's when they did it," says the chambermaid, "and a clever trick it
was."

The old lady suddenly grasped her position, and jumped up from the floor.
"And a nice thing for me," she says.  "An unmarried woman in a scandal-
mongering village!  This is awful!"

"It's a fine-looking child," says the chambermaid.

"Would you like it?" says the old lady.

The chambermaid said she wouldn't.  The old lady sat down and tried to
think, and the more she thought the worse she felt.  The chambermaid was
positive that if we hadn't come when we did the poor creature would have
gone mad.  When the Boots appeared at the door to say there was a gent
and a bulldog downstairs enquiring after a baby, she flung her arms round
the man's neck and hugged him.

We just caught the train to Warwick, and by luck got back to the hotel
ten minutes before the mother turned up.  Young Milberry carried the
child in his arms all the way.  He said I could have the hamper for
myself, and gave me half-a-sovereign extra on the understanding that I
kept my mouth shut, which I did.

I don't think he ever told the child's mother what had
happened--leastways, if he wasn't a fool right through, he didn't.




THE PROBATION OF JAMES WRENCH.


"There are two sorts of men as gets hen-pecked," remarked Henry--I forgot
how the subject had originated, but we had been discussing the merits of
Henry VIII., considered as a father and a husband,--"the sort as likes it
and the sort as don't, and I wouldn't be too cocksure that the sort as
does isn't on the whole in the majority.

"You see," continued Henry argumentatively, "it gives, as it were, a kind
of interest to life which nowadays, with everything going smoothly, and
no chance of a row anywhere except in your own house, is apt to become a
bit monotonous.  There was a chap I got to know pretty well one winter
when I was working in Dresden at the Europaischer Hof: a quiet, meek
little man he was, a journeyman butcher by trade; and his wife was a
dressmaker, a Schneiderin, as they call them over there, and ran a fairly
big business in the Praguer Strasse.  I've always been told that German
husbands are the worst going, treating their wives like slaves, or, at
the best, as mere upper servants.  But my experience is that human nature
don't alter so much according to distance from London as we fancy it
does, and that husbands have their troubles same as wives all the world
over.  Anyhow, I've come across a German husband or two as didn't carry
about with him any sign of the slave driver such as you might notice, at
all events not in his own house; and I know for a fact that Meister
Anton, which was the name of the chap I'm telling you about, couldn't
have been much worse off, not even if he'd been an Englishman born and
bred.  There were no children to occupy her mind, so she just devoted
herself to him and the work-girls, and made things hum, as they say in
America, for all of them.  As for the girls, they got away at six in the
evening, and not many of them stopped more than the first month.  But the
old man, not being able to give notice, had to put up with an average of
eighteen hours a day of it.  And even when, as was sometimes the case, he
managed to get away for an hour or two in the evening for a quiet talk
with a few of us over a glass of beer, he could never be quite happy,
thinking of what was accumulating for him at home.  Of course everybody
as knew him knew of his troubles--for a scolding wife ain't the sort of
thing as can be hid under a bushel,--and was sorry for him, he being as
amiable and good-tempered a fellow as ever lived, and most of us spent
our time with him advising him for his good.  Some of the more ardent
would give him recipes for managing her, but they, being generally
speaking bachelors, their suggestions lacked practicability, as you might
say.  One man bored his life out persuading him to try a bucket of cold
water.  He was one of those cold-water enthusiasts, this fellow; took it
himself for everything, and always went to a hydropathic establishment
for his holidays.  Rumour had it that Meister Anton really did try this
experiment on one unfortunate occasion--worried into it, I suppose, by
the other chap's persistency.  Anyhow, we didn't see him again for a
week, he being confined to his bed with a chill on the liver.  And the
next suggestion made to him he rejected quite huffily, explaining that he
had no intention of putting any fresh ideas into his wife's head.

"She wasn't a bad woman, mind you--merely given to fits of temper.  At
times she could be quite pleasant: but when she wasn't life with her must
have been exciting.  He had stood it for about seven years; and then one
day, without a word of warning to anyone, he went away and left her.  As
she was quite able to keep herself, this seemed to be the best
arrangement possible, and everybody wondered why he had never thought of
it before, I did not see him again for nine months, until I ran against
him by pure chance on the Koln platform, where I was waiting for a train
to Paris.  He told me they had made up all their differences by
correspondence, and that he was then on his way back to her.  He seemed
quite cheerful and expectant.

"'Do you think she's really reformed?' I says.  'Do you think nine months
is long enough to have taught her a lesson?'  I didn't want to damp him,
but personally I have never known but one case of a woman being cured of
nagging, and that being brought about by a fall from a third-story
window, resulting in what the doctors called permanent paralysis of the
vocal organs, can hardly be taken as a precedent.

"'No,' he answers, 'nor nine years.  But it's been long enough to teach
me a lesson.'

"'You know me,' he goes on.  'I ain't a quarrelsome sort of chap.  If
nobody says a word to me, I never says a word to anybody; and it's been
like that ever since I left her, day in and day out, all just the same.
Up in the morning, do your bit of work, drink your glass of beer, and to
bed in the evening; nothing to excite you, nothing to rouse you.  Why,
it's a mere animal existence.'

"He was a rum sort of chap, always thought things out from his own point
of view as it were."

"Yes, a curious case," I remarked to Henry; "not the sort of story to put
about, however.  It might give women the idea that nagging is attractive,
and encourage them to try it upon husbands who do not care for that kind
of excitement."

"Not much fear of that," replied Henry.  "The nagging woman is born, as
they say, not made; and she'll nag like the roses bloom, not because she
wants to, but because she can't help it.  And a woman to whom it don't
come natural will never be any real good at it, try as she may.  And as
for the men, why we'll just go on selecting wives according to the old
rule, so that you never know what you've got till it's too late for you
to do anything but make the best or the worst of it, according as your
fancy takes you.

"There was a fellow," continued Henry, "as used to work with me a good
many years ago now at a small hotel in the City.  He was a waiter, like
myself--not a bad sort of chap, though a bit of a toff in his off-hours.
He'd been engaged for some two or three years to one of the chambermaids.
A pretty, gentle-looking little thing she was, with big childish eyes,
and a voice like the pouring out of water.  They are strange things,
women; one can never tell what they are made of from the taste of them.
And while I was there, it having been a good season for both of them,
they thought they'd risk it and get married.  They did the sensible
thing, he coming back to his work after the week's holiday, and she to
hers; the only difference being that they took a couple of rooms of their
own in Middleton Row, from where in summer-time you can catch the glimpse
of a green tree or two, and slept out.

"The first few months they were as happy as a couple in a play, she
thinking almost as much of him as he thought of himself, which must have
been a comfort to both of them, and he as proud of her as if he made her
himself.  And then some fifteenth cousin or so of his, a man he had never
heard of before, died in New Zealand and left him a fortune.

"That was the beginning of his troubles, and hers too.  I don't say it
was enough to buy a peerage, but to a man accustomed to dream of half-
crown tips it seemed an enormous fortune.  Anyhow, it was sufficient to
turn his head and give him ideas above his station.  His first move, of
course, was to chuck his berth and set fire to his dress suit, which,
being tolerably greasy, burned well.  Had he stopped there nobody could
have blamed him.  I've often thought myself that I would willingly give
ten years of my life, provided anybody wanted them, which I don't see how
they should, to put my own behind the fire.  But he didn't.  He took a
house in a mews, with the front door in a street off Grosvenor Square,
furnished it like a second-class German restaurant, dressed himself like
a bookmaker, and fancied that with the help of a few shady City chaps and
a broken-down swell or two he had gathered round him, he was fairly on
the road to Park Lane and the House of Lords.

"And the only thing that struck him as being at all in his way was his
wife.  In her cap and apron, or her Sunday print she had always looked as
dainty and fetching a little piece of goods as a man could wish to be
seen out with.  Dressed according to the advice of his new-found friends,
of course she looked like nothing else so much as a barn-yard chicken in
turkey-cock's feathers.  He was shocked to find that her size in gloves
was seven-and-a-quarter, and in boots something over four, and that sort
of thing naturally irritates a woman more even than finding fault with
her immortal soul.  I guess for about a year he made her life pretty well
a burden for her, trying to bring her up to the standard of the Saturday-
to-Monday-at-Brighton set with which he had surrounded himself, or which,
to speak more correctly, had got round him.  She'd a precious sight more
gumption than he had ever possessed, and if he had listened to her
instead of insisting upon her listening to him it would have been better
for him.  But there are some men who think that if you have a taste for
champagne and the ballet that proves you are intended by nature for a
nob, and he was one of them; and any common-sense suggestion of hers only
convinced him of her natural unfitness for an exalted station.

"He grumbled at her accent, which, seeing that his own was acquired in
Lime-house and finished off in the Minories, was just the sort of thing a
fool would do.  And he insisted on her reading all the society novels as
they came out--you know the sort I mean,--where everybody snaps everybody
else's head off, and all the proverbs are upside down; people leave them
about the hotels when they've done with them, and one gets into the habit
of dipping into them when one's nothing better to do.  His hope was that
she might, with pains, get to talk like these books.  That was his ideal.

"She did her best, but of course the more she got away from herself the
more absurd she became; and the rubbish and worse that he had about him
would ridicule her more or less openly.  And he, instead of kicking them
out into the mews--which could have been done easily without Grosvenor
Square knowing anything about it, and thereby having its high-class
feelings hurt--he would blame her when they had all gone, just as if it
was her fault that she was the daughter of a respectable bootmaker in the
Mile End Road instead of something more likely than not turned out of the
third row of the ballet because it couldn't dance, and didn't want to
learn.

"He played a bit in the City, and won at first, and that swelled his head
worse than ever.  It also brought him a good deal of sympathy from an
Italian Countess, the sort you find at Homburg, and that generally
speaking is a widow.  Her chief sorrow was for society--that in him was
losing an ornament.  She explained to him how an accomplished and
experienced woman could help a man to gain admittance into the tiptop
circles, which, according to her, were just thirsting for him.  As a
waiter, he had his share of brains, and it's a business that requires
more insight than perhaps you'd fancy, if you don't want to waste your
time on a rabbit-skin coat and a paste ring, and give the burnt sole to
the real gent.  But in the hands of this swell mob he was, of course,
just the young man from the country; and the end of it was that he played
the game down pretty low.

"She--not the Countess, I shouldn't like you to have that idea, but his
wife--came to be pretty friendly with my missus later on, and that's how
I got to know the details.  He comes to her one day looking pretty
sheepish-like, as one can well believe, and maybe he'd been drinking a
bit to give himself courage.

"'We ain't been getting along too well together of late, have we, Susan?'
says he.

"'We ain't seen much of one another,' she answers; 'but I agree with you,
we don't seem to enjoy it much when we do.'

"'It ain't your fault,' says he.

"'I'm glad you think that,' she answers; 'it shows me you ain't quite as
foolish as I was beginning to think you.'

"'Of course, I didn't know when I married you,' he goes on, 'as I was
going to come into this money.'

"'No, nor I either,' says she, 'or you bet it wouldn't have happened.'

"'It seems to have been a bit of a mistake,' says he, 'as things have
turned out.'

"'It would have been a mistake, and more than a bit of a one in any
case,' answers she.

"'I'm glad you agree with me,' says he; 'there'll be no need to quarrel.'

"'I've always tried to agree with you,' says she.  'We've never
quarrelled yet, and that ought to be sufficient proof to you that we
never shall.'

"'It's a mistake that can be rectified,' says he, 'if you are sensible,
and that without any harm to anyone.'

"'Oh!' says she, 'it must be a new sort of mistake, that kind.'

"'We're not fitted for one another,' says he.

"'Out with it,' says she.  'Don't you be afraid of my feelings; they are
well under control, as I think I can fairly say by this time.'

"'With a man in your own station of life,' says he, 'you'd be happier.'

"'There's many a man I might have been happier with,' replies she.  'That
ain't the thing to be discussed, seeing as I've got you.'

"'You might get rid of me,' says he.

"'You mean you might get rid of me,' she answers.

"'It comes to the same thing,' he says.

"'No, it don't,' she replies, 'nor anything like it.  I shouldn't have
got rid of you for my pleasure, and I'm not going to do it for yours.  You
can live like a decent man, and I'll go on putting up with you; or you
can live like a fool, and I shan't stand in your way.  But you can't do
both, and I'm not going to help you try.'

"Well, he argued with her, and he tried the coaxing dodge, and he tried
the bullying dodge, but it didn't work, neither of it.

"'I've done my duty by you,' says she, 'so far as I've been able, and
that I'll go on doing or not, just as you please; but I don't do more.'

"'We can't go on living like this,' says he, 'and it isn't fair to ask me
to.  You're hammering my prospects.'

"'I don't want to do that,' says she.  'You take your proper position in
society, whatever that may be, and I'll take mine.  I'll be glad enough
to get back to it, you may rest assured.'

"'What do you mean?' says he.

"'It's simple enough,' she answers.  'I was earning my living before I
married you, and I can earn it again.  You go your way, I go mine.'

"It didn't satisfy him; but there was nothing else to be done, and there
was no moving her now in any other direction whatever, even had he wanted
to.  He offered her anything in the way of money--he wasn't a mean
chap,--but she wouldn't touch a penny.  She had kept her old clothes--I'm
not sure that some idea of needing them hadn't always been in her
head,--applied for a place under her former manager, who was then bossing
a hotel in Kensington, and got it.  And there was an end of high life so
far as she was concerned.

"As for him, he went the usual way.  It always seems to me as if men and
women were just like water; sooner or later they get back to the level
from which they started--that is, of course, generally speaking.  Here
and there a drop clings where it climbs; but, taking them on the whole,
pumping-up is a slow business.  Lord!  I have seen them, many of them,
jolly clever they've thought themselves, with their diamond rings and big
cigars.  'Wait a bit,' I've always said to myself, 'there'll come a day
when you'll walk in and be glad enough of your chop and potatoes again
with your half-pint of bitter.'  And nine cases out of ten I've been
right.  James Wrench followed the course of the majority, only a little
more so: tried to do others a precious sight sharper than himself, and
got done; tried a dozen times to scramble up again, each time coming down
heavier than before, till there wasn't another spring left in him, and
his only ambition victuals.  Then, of course, he thought of his wife--it's
a wonderful domesticator, ill luck--and wondered what she was doing.

"Fortunately for him, she'd been doing well.  Her father died and left
her a bit, just a couple of hundred or so, and with this and her own
savings she started with a small inn in a growing town, and had sold out
again three years later at four times what she had paid for it.  She had
done even better than that for herself.  She had developed a talent for
cooking--that was a settled income in itself,--and at this time was
running a small hotel in Brighton, and making it pay to a tune that would
have made the shareholders of some of its bigger rivals a bit envious
could they have known.

"He came to me, having found out, I don't know how--necessity smartens
the wits, I suppose,--that my missis still kept up a sort of friendship
with her, and begged me to try and arrange a meeting between them, which
I did, though I told him frankly that from what I knew his welcome
wouldn't be much more enthusiastic than what he'd any right to expect.
But he was always of a sanguine disposition; and borrowing his fare and
an old greatcoat of mine, he started off, evidently thinking that all his
troubles were over.

"But they weren't exactly.  The Married Women's Property Act had altered
things a bit, and Master James found himself greeted without any
suggestion of tenderness by a business-like woman of thirty-six or
thereabouts, and told to wait in the room behind the bar till she could
find time to talk to him.

"She kept him waiting there for three-quarters of an hour, just
sufficient time to take the side out of him; and then she walks in and
closes the door behind her.

"'I'd say you hadn't changed hardly a day, Susan,' says he, 'if it wasn't
that you'd grown handsomer than ever.'

"I guess he'd been turning that over in his mind during the
three-quarters of an hour.  It was his fancy that he knew a bit about
women.

"'My name's Mrs. Wrench,' says she; 'and if you take your hat off and
stand up while I'm talking to you it will be more what I'm accustomed
to.'

"Well, that staggered him a bit; but there didn't seem anything else to
be done, so he just made as if he thought it funny, though I doubt if at
the time he saw the full humour of it.

"'And now, what do you want?" says she, seating herself in front of her
desk, and leaving him standing, first on one leg and then on the other,
twiddling his hat in his hands.

"'I've been a bad husband to you, Susan,' begins he.

"'I could have told you that,' she answers.  'What I asked you was what
you wanted.'

"'I want for us to let bygones be bygones,' says he.

"'That's quite my own idea,' says she, 'and if you don't allude to the
past, I shan't.'

"'You're an angel, Susan,' says he.

"'I've told you once,' answers she, 'that my name's Mrs. Wrench.  I'm
Susan to my friends, not to every broken-down tramp looking for a job.'

"'Ain't I your husband?' says he, trying a bit of dignity.

"She got up and took a glance through the glass-door to see that nobody
was there to overhear her.

"'For the first and last time,' says she, 'let you and me understand one
another.  I've been eleven years without a husband, and I've got used to
it.  I don't feel now as I want one of any kind, and if I did it wouldn't
be your sort.  Eleven years ago I wasn't good enough for you, and now
you're not good enough for me.'

"'I want to reform,' says he.

"'I want to see you do it,' says she.

"'Give me a chance,' says he.

"'I'm going to,' says she; 'but it's going to be my experiment this time,
not yours.  Eleven years ago I didn't give you satisfaction, so you
turned me out of doors.'

"'You went, Susan,' says he; 'you know it was your own idea.'

"'Don't you remind me too much of the circumstances,' replies she,
turning on him with a look in her eyes that was probably new to him, 'I
went because there wasn't room for two of us; you know that.  The other
kind suited you better.  Now I'm going to see whether you suit me,' and
she sits herself again in her landlady's chair.

"'In what way?' says he.

"'In the way of earning your living,' says she, 'and starting on the road
to becoming a decent member of society.'

"He stood for a while cogitating.

"'Don't you think,' says he at last, 'as I could manage this hotel for
you?'

"'Thanks,' says she; 'I'm doing that myself.'

"'What about looking to the financial side of things,' says he, 'and
keeping the accounts?  It's hardly your work.'

"'Nor yours either,' answers she drily, 'judging by the way you've been
keeping your own.'

"'You wouldn't like me to be head-waiter, I suppose?' says he.  'It would
be a bit of a come-down.'

"'You're thinking of the hotel, I suppose,' says she.  'Perhaps you are
right.  My customers are mostly an old-fashioned class; it's probable
enough they might not like you.  You had better suggest something else.'

"'I could hardly be an under-waiter,' says he.

"'Perhaps not,' says she; 'your manners strike me as a bit too familiar
for that.'

"Then he thought he'd try sarcasm.

"'Perhaps you'd fancy my being the boots,' says he.

"'That's more reasonable,' says she.  'You couldn't do much harm there,
and I could keep an eye on you.'

"'You really mean that?' says he, starting to put on his dignity.

"But she cut him short by ringing the bell.

"'If you think you can do better for yourself,' she says, 'there's an end
of it.  By a curious coincidence the place is just now vacant.  I'll keep
it open for you till to-morrow night; you can turn it over in your mind.'
And one of the page boys coming in she just says 'Good-morning,' and the
interview was at an end.

"Well, he turned it over, and he took the job.  He thought she'd relent
after the first week or two, but she didn't.  He just kept that place for
over fifteen months, and learnt the business.  In the house he was James
the boots, and she Mrs. Wrench the landlady, and she saw to it that he
didn't forget it.  He had his wages and he made his tips, and the food
was plentiful; but I take it he worked harder during that time than he'd
ever worked before in his life, and found that a landlady is just twice
as difficult to please as the strictest landlord it can be a man's
misfortune to get under, and that Mrs. Wrench was no exception to the
rule.

"At the end of the fifteen months she sends for him into the office.  He
didn't want telling by this time; he just stood with his hat in his hand
and waited respectful like.

"'James,' says she, after she had finished what she was doing, 'I find I
shall want another waiter for the coffee-room this season.  Would you
care to try the place?'

"'Thank you, Mrs. Wrench,' he answers; 'it's more what I've been used to,
and I think I'll be able to give satisfaction.'

"'There's no wages attached, as I suppose you know,' continues she; 'but
the second floor goes with it, and if you know your business you ought to
make from twenty-five to thirty shillings a week.'

"Thank you, Mrs. Wrench; that'll suit me very well,' replies he; and it
was settled.

"He did better as a waiter; he'd got it in his blood, as you might say;
and so after a time he worked up to be head-waiter.  Now and then, of
course, it came about that he found himself waiting on the very folks
that he'd been chums with in his classy days, and that must have been a
bit rough on him.  But he'd taken in a good deal of sense since then; and
when one of the old sort, all rings and shirt-front, dining there one
Sunday evening, started chaffing him, Jimmy just shut him up with a
quiet: 'Yes, I guess we were both a bit out of our place in those days.
The difference between us now is that I have got back to mine,' which
cost him his tip, but must nave been a satisfaction to him.

"Altogether he worked in that hotel for some three and a half years, and
then Mrs. Wrench sends for him again into the office.

"'Sit down, James,' says she.

"'Thank you, Mrs. Wrench,' says James, and sat.

"'I'm thinking of giving up this hotel, James,' says she, 'and taking
another near Dover, a quiet place with just such a clientele as I shall
like.  Do you care to come with me?'

"'Thank you,' says he, 'but I'm thinking, Mrs. Wrench, of making a change
myself.'

"'Oh,' says she, 'I'm sorry to hear that, James.  I thought we'd been
getting on very well together.'

"'I've tried to do my best, Mrs. Wrench,' says he, 'and I hope as I've
given satisfaction.'

"'I've nothing to complain of, James,' says she.

"'I thank you for saying it,' says he, 'and I thank you for the
opportunity you gave me when I wanted it.  It's been the making of me.'

"She didn't answer for about a minute.  Then says she: 'You've been
meeting some of your old friends, James, I'm afraid, and they've been
persuading you to go back into the City.'

"'No, Mrs. Wrench,' says he; 'no more City for me, and no more
neighbourhood of Grosvenor Square, unless it be in the way of business;
and that couldn't be, of course, for a good long while to come.'

"'What do you mean by business?' asks she.

"'The hotel business,' replies he.  'I believe I know the bearings by
now.  I've saved a bit, thanks to you, Mrs. Wrench, and a bit's come in
from the wreck that I never hoped for.'

"'Enough to start you?' asks she.

"'Not quite enough for that,' answers he.  'My idea is a small
partnership.'

"'How much is it altogether?' says she, 'if it's not an impertinent
question.'

"'Not at all,' answers he.  'It tots up to 900 pounds about.'

"She turns back to her desk and goes on with her writing.

"'Dover wouldn't suit you, I suppose?' says she without looking round.

"'Dover's all right,' says he, 'if the business is a good one.'

"'It can be worked up into one of the best things going,' says she, 'and
I'm getting it dirt cheap.  You can have a third share for a thousand
pounds, that's just what it's costing, and owe me the other hundred."

"'And what position do I take?' says he.

"'If you come in on those terms,' says she, 'then, of course, it's a
partnership.'

"He rose and came over to her.  'Life isn't all business, Susan,' says
he.

"'I've found it so mostly,' says she.

"'Fourteen years ago,' says he, 'I made the mistake; now you're making
it.'

"'What mistake am I making?' says she.

"'That man's the only thing as can't learn a lesson,' says he.

"'Oh,' says she, 'and what's the lesson that you've learnt?'

"'That I never get on without you, Susan,' says he.

"'Well,' says she, 'you suggested a partnership, and I agreed to it.  What
more do you want?'

"'I want to know the name of the firm,' says he.

"'Mr. and Mrs. Wrench,' says she, turning round to him and holding out
her hand.  'How will that suit you?'

"'That'll do me all right,' answers he.  'And I'll try and give
satisfaction,' adds he.

"'I believe you,' says she.

"And in that way they made a fresh start, as it were."




THE WOOING OF TOM SLEIGHT'S WIFE.


"It's competition," replied Henry, "that makes the world go round.  You
never want a thing particularly until you see another fellow trying to
get it; then it strikes you all of a sudden that you've a better right to
it than he has.  Take barmaids: what's the attraction about 'em?  In
looks they're no better than the average girl in the street; while as for
their temper, well that's a bit above the average--leastways, so far as
my experience goes.  Yet the thinnest of 'em has her dozen, making
sheep's-eyes at her across the counter.  I've known girls that on the
level couldn't have got a policeman to look at 'em.  Put 'em behind a row
of tumblers and a shilling's-worth of stale pastry, and nothing outside a
Lincoln and Bennett is good enough for 'em.  It's the competition that's
the making of 'em.

"Now, I'll tell you a story," continued Henry, "that bears upon the
subject.  It's a pretty story, if you look at it from one point of view;
though my wife maintains--and she's a bit of a judge, mind you--that it's
not yet finished, she arguing that there's a difference between marrying
and being married.  You can have a fancy for the one, without caring much
about the other.  What I tell her is that a boy isn't a man, and a man
isn't a boy.  Besides, it's five years ago now, and nothing has happened
since: though of course one can never say."

"I would like to hear the story," I ventured to suggest; "I'll be able to
judge better afterwards."

"It's not a long one," replied Henry, "though as a matter of fact it
began seventeen years ago in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.  He was a wild
young fellow, and always had been."

"Who was?" I interrupted.

"Tom Sleight," answered Henry, "the chap I'm telling you about.  He
belonged to a good family, his father being a Magistrate for
Monmouthshire; but there had been no doing anything with young Tom from
the very first.  At fifteen he ran away from school at Clifton, and with
everything belonging to him tied up in a pocket-handkerchief made his way
to Bristol Docks.  There he shipped as boy on board an American schooner,
the Cap'n not pressing for any particulars, being short-handed, and the
boy himself not volunteering much.  Whether his folks made much of an
effort to get him back, or whether they didn't, I can't tell you.  Maybe,
they thought a little roughing it would knock some sense into him.
Anyhow, the fact remains that for the next seven or eight years, until
the sudden death of his father made him a country gentleman, a more or
less jolly sailor-man he continued to be.  And it was during that
period--to be exact, three years after he ran away and four years before
he returned--that, as I have said, at Portsmouth, New Hampshire, he
married, after ten days' courtship, Mary Godselle, only daughter of Jean
Godselle, saloon keeper of that town."

"That makes him just eighteen," I remarked; "somewhat young for a
bridegroom."

"But a good deal older than the bride," was Henry's comment, "she being
at the time a few months over fourteen."

"Was it legal?" I enquired.

"Quite legal," answered Henry.  "In New Hampshire, it would seem, they
encourage early marriages.  'Can't begin a good thing too soon,' is, I
suppose, their motto."

"How did the marriage turn out?" was my next question.  The married life
of a lady and gentleman, the united ages of whom amounted to thirty-two,
promised interesting developments.

"Practically speaking," replied Henry, "it wasn't a marriage at all.  It
had been a secret affair from the beginning, as perhaps you can imagine.
The old man had other ideas for his daughter, and wasn't the sort of
father to be played with.  They separated at the church door, intending
to meet again in the evening.  Two hours later Master Tom Sleight got
knocked on the head in a street brawl.  If a row was to be had anywhere
within walking distance he was the sort of fellow to be in it.  When he
came to his senses he found himself lying in his bunk, and the 'Susan
Pride'--if that was the name of the ship; I think it was--ten miles out
to sea.  The Captain declined to put the vessel about to please either a
loving seaman or a loving seaman's wife; and to come to the point, the
next time Mr. Tom Sleight saw Mrs. Tom Sleight was seven years later at
the American bar of the Grand Central in Paris; and then he didn't know
her."

"But what had she been doing all the time?" I queried.  "Do you mean to
tell me that she, a married woman, had been content to let her husband
disappear without making any attempt to trace him?"

"I was making it short," retorted Henry, in an injured tone, "for your
benefit; if you want to have the whole of it, of course you can.  He
wasn't a scamp; he was just a scatterbrain--that was the worst you could
say against him.  He tried to communicate with her, but never got an
answer.  Then he wrote to the father, and told him frankly the whole
story.  The letter came back six months later, marked--'Gone away; left
no address.'  You see, what had happened was this: the old man died
suddenly a month or two after the marriage, without ever having heard a
word about it.  The girl hadn't a relative or friend in the town, all her
folks being French Canadians.  She'd got her pride, and she'd got a sense
of humour not common in a woman.  I was with her at the Grand Central for
over a year, and came to know her pretty well.  She didn't choose to
advertise the fact that her husband had run away from her, as she
thought, an hour after he had married her.  She knew he was a gentleman
with rich relatives somewhere in England; and as the months went by
without bringing word or sign of him, she concluded he'd thought the
matter over and was ashamed of her.  You must remember she was merely a
child at the time, and hardly understood her position.  Maybe later on
she would have seen the necessity of doing something.  But Chance, as it
were, saved her the trouble; for she had not been serving in the Cafe
more than a month when, early one afternoon, in walked her Lord and
Master.  'Mam'sell Marie,' as of course we called her over there, was at
that moment busy talking to two customers, while smiling at a third; and
our hero, he gave a start the moment he set eyes on her."

"You told me that when he saw her there he didn't know her," I reminded
Henry.

"Quite right, sir," replied Henry, "so I did; but he knew a pretty girl
when he saw one anywhere at any time--he was that sort, and a prettier,
saucier looking young personage than Marie, in spite of her misfortunes,
as I suppose you'd call 'em, you wouldn't have found had you searched
Paris from the Place de la Bastille to the Arc de Triomphe."

"Did she," I asked, "know him, or was the forgetfulness mutual?"

"She recognised him," returned Henry, "before he entered the Cafe, owing
to catching sight of his face through the glass door while he was trying
to find the handle.  Women on some points have better memories than men.
Added to which, when you come to think of it, the game was a bit
one-sided.  Except that his moustache, maybe, was a little more imposing,
and that he wore the clothes of a gentleman in place of those of an able-
bodied seaman before the mast, he was to all intents and purposes the
same as when they parted six years ago outside the church door; while she
had changed from a child in a short muslin frock and a 'flapper,' as I
believe they call it, tied up in blue ribbon, to a self-possessed young
woman in a frock that might have come out of a Bond Street show window,
and a Japanese coiffure, that being then the fashion.

"She finished with her French customers, not hurrying herself in the
least--that wasn't her way; and then strolling over to her husband, asked
him in French what she could have the pleasure of doing for him.  His
education on board the 'Susan Pride' and others had, I take it, gone back
rather than forward.  He couldn't understand her, so she translated it
for him into broken English, with an accent.  He asked her how she knew
he was English.  She told him it was because Englishmen had such pretty
moustaches, and came back with his order, which was rum punch.  She kept
him waiting about a quarter of an hour before she returned with it.  He
filled up the time looking into the glass behind him when he thought
nobody was observing him.

"One American drink, as they used to concoct it in that bar, was
generally enough for most of our customers, but he, before he left,
contrived to put away three; also contriving, during the same short space
of time, to inform 'Mam'sel Marie' that Paris, since he had looked into
her eyes, had become the only town worth living in, so far as he was
concerned, throughout the whole universe.  He had his failings, had
Master Tom Sleight, but shyness wasn't one of them.  She gave him a smile
when he left that would have brought a less impressionable young man than
he back again to that Cafe; but for the rest of the day I noticed
'Mam'sel Marie' frowned to herself a good deal, and was quite unusually
cynical in her view of things in general.

"Next afternoon he found his way to us again, and much the same sort of
thing went on, only a little more of it.  A sailor-man, so I am told,
makes love with his hour of departure always before his mind, and so gets
into the habit of not wasting time.  He gave her short lessons in
English, for which she appeared to be grateful, and she at his request
taught him the French for 'You are just charming!  I love you!' with
which, so he explained, it was his intention, on his return to England,
to surprise his mother.  He turned up again after dinner, and the next
day before lunch, when after that I looked up and missed him at his usual
table, the feeling would come to me that business was going down.  Marie
always appeared delighted to see him, and pouted when he left; but what
puzzled me at the time was, that though she fooled him to the top of his
bent, she flirted every bit as much, if not more, with her other
customers--leastways with the nicer ones among them.  There was one young
Frenchman in particular--a good-looking chap, a Monsieur Flammard, son of
the painter.  Up till then he'd been making love pretty steadily to Miss
Marie, as, indeed, had most of 'em, without ever getting much forrarder;
for hitherto a chat about the weather, and a smile that might have meant
she was in love with you or might have meant she was laughing at you--no
man could ever tell which,--was all the most persistent had got out of
her.  Now, however, and evidently to his own surprise, young Monsieur
Flammard found himself in clover.  Provided his English rival happened to
be present and not too far removed, he could have as much flirtation as
he wanted, which, you may take it, worked out at a very tolerable amount.
Master Tom could sit and scowl, and for the matter of that did; but as
Marie would explain to him, always with the sweetest of smiles, her
business was to be nice to all her customers, and to this, of course, he
had nothing to reply: that he couldn't understand a word of what she and
Flammard talked and laughed about didn't seem to make him any the
happier.

"Well, this sort of thing went on for perhaps a fortnight, and then one
morning over our dejeune, when she and I had the Cafe entirely to
ourselves, I took the opportunity of talking to Mam'sel Marie like a
father.

"She heard me out without a murmur, which showed her sense; for liking
the girl sincerely, I didn't mince matters with her, but spoke plainly
for her good.  The result was, she told me her story much as I have told
it to you.

"'It's a funny tale,' says I when she'd finished, 'though maybe you
yourself don't see the humour of it.'

"'Yes, I do,' was her answer.  'But there's a serious side to it also,'
says she, 'and that interests me more.'

"'You're sure you're not making a mistake?' I suggested.

"'He's been in my thoughts too much for me to forget him,' she replied.
'Besides, he's told me his name and all about himself.'

"'Not quite all,' says I.

"'No, and that's why I feel hard toward him,' answers she.

"'Now you listen to me,' says I.  'This is a very pretty comedy, and the
way you've played it does you credit up till now.  Don't you run it on
too long, and turn it into a problem play.'

"'How d'ye mean?' says she.

"'A man's a man,' says I; 'anyhow he's one.  He fell in love with you six
years ago when you were only a child, and now you're a woman he's fallen
in love with you again.  If that don't convince you of his constancy,
nothing will.  You stop there.  Don't you try to find out any more.'

"'I mean to find out one thing, answers she: 'whether he's a man--or a
cad.'

"'That's a severe remark,' says I, 'to make about your own husband.'

"'What am I to think?' says she.  'He fooled me into loving him when, as
you say, I was only a child.  Do you think I haven't suffered all these
years?  It's the girl that cries her eyes out for her lover; we learn to
take 'em for what they're worth later on.'

"'But he's in love with you still,' I says.  I knew what was in her mind,
but I wanted to lead her away from it if I could.

"'That's a lie,' says she, 'and you know it.'  She wasn't choosing her
words; she was feeling, if you understand.  'He's in love with a pretty
waitress that he met for the first time a fortnight ago.'

"'That's because she reminds him of you,' I replied, 'or because you
remind him of her, whichever you prefer.  It shows you're the sort of
woman he'll always be falling in love with.'

"She laughed at that, but the next moment she was serious again.  'A
man's got to fall out of love before he falls into it again,' she
replied.  'I want a man that'll stop there.  Besides,' she goes on, 'a
woman isn't always young and pretty: we've got to remember that.  We want
something else in a husband besides eyes.'

"'You seem to know a lot about it,' says I.

"'I've thought a lot about it,' says she.

"'What sort of husband do you want?' says I.

"'I want a man of honour,' says she.

"That was sense.  One don't often find a girl her age talking it, but her
life had made her older than she looked.  All I could find to say was
that he appeared to be an honest chap, and maybe was one.

"'Maybe,' says she; 'that's what I mean to find out.  And if you'll do me
a kindness,' she adds, 'you won't mind calling me Marie Luthier for the
future, instead of Godselle.  It was my mother's name, and I've a fancy
for it.'

"Well, there I left her to work out the thing for herself, having come to
the conclusion she was capable of doing it; and so for another couple of
weeks I merely watched.  There was no doubt about his being in love with
her.  He had entered that Cafe at the beginning of the month with as good
an opinion of himself as a man can conveniently carry without tumbling
down and falling over it.  Before the month was out he would sit with his
head between his hands, evidently wondering why he had been born.  I've
seen the game played before, and I've seen it played since.  A waiter has
plenty of opportunities if he only makes use of them; for if it comes to
a matter of figures, I suppose there's more love-making done in a month
under the electric light of the restaurant than the moon sees in a
year--leastways, so far as concerns what we call the civilised world.
I've seen men fooled, from boys without hair on their faces, to old men
without much on their heads.  I've seen it done in a way that was pretty
to watch, and I've seen it done in a manner that has made me feel that
given a wig and a petticoat I could do it better myself.  But never have
I seen it neater played than Marie played it on that young man of hers.
One day she would greet him for all the world like a tired child that at
last has found its mother, and the next day respond to him in a style
calculated to give you the idea of a small-sized empress in misfortune
compelled to tolerate the familiarities of an anarchist.  One moment she
would throw him a pout that said as clearly as words: 'What a fool you
are not to put your arms round me and kiss me'; and five minutes later
chill him with a laugh that as good as told him he must be blind not to
see that she was merely playing with him.  What happened outside the
Cafe--for now and then she would let him meet her of a morning in the
Tuileries and walk down to the Cafe with her, and once or twice had
allowed him to see her part of the way home--I cannot tell you: I only
know that before strangers it was her instinct to be reserved.  I take it
that on such occasions his experiences were interesting; but whether they
left him elated or depressed I doubt if he could have told you himself.

"But all the time Marie herself was just going from bad to worse.  She
had come to the Cafe a light-hearted, sweet-tempered girl; now, when she
wasn't engaged in her play-acting--for that's all it was, I could see
plainly enough--she would go about her work silent and miserable-looking,
or if she spoke at all it would be to say something bitter.  Then one
morning after a holiday she had asked for, and which I had given her
without any questions, she came to business more like her old self than I
had seen her since the afternoon Master Tom Sleight had appeared upon the
scene.  All that day she went about smiling to herself; and young
Flammard, presuming a bit too far maybe upon past favours, found himself
sharply snubbed: it was a bit rough on him, the whole thing.

"'It's come to a head,' says I to myself; 'he has explained everything,
and has managed to satisfy her.  He's a cleverer chap than I took him
for.'

"He didn't turn up at the Cafe that day, however, at all, and she never
said a word until closing time, when she asked me to walk part of the way
home with her.

"'Well,' I says, so soon as we had reached a quieter street, 'is the
comedy over?'

"'No,' says she, 'so far as I'm concerned it's commenced.  To tell you
the truth, it's been a bit too serious up to now to please me.  I'm only
just beginning to enjoy myself,' and she laughed, quite her old light-
hearted laugh.

"'You seem to be a bit more cheerful,' I says.

"'I'm feeling it,' says she; 'he's not as bad as I thought.  We went to
Versailles yesterday.'

"'Pretty place, Versailles,' says I; 'paths a bit complicated if you
don't know your way among 'em.'

"'They do wind,' says she.

"'And there he told you that he loved you, and explained everything?'

"'You're quite right,' says she, 'that's just what happened.  And then he
kissed me for the first and last time, and now he's on his way to
America.'

"'On his way to America?' says I, stopping still in the middle of the
street.

"'To find his wife,' she says.  'He's pretty well ashamed of himself for
not having tried to do it before.  I gave him one or two hints how to set
about it--he's not over smart--and I've got an idea he will discover
her.'  She dropped her joking manner, and gave my arm a little squeeze.
She'd have flirted with her own grandfather--that's my opinion of her.

"'He was really nice,' she continues.  'I had to keep lecturing myself,
or I'd have been sorry for him.  He told me it was his love for me that
had shown him what a wretch he had been.  He said he knew I didn't care
for him two straws--and there I didn't contradict him--and that he
respected me all the more for it.  I can't explain to you how he worked
it out, but what he meant was that I was so good myself that no one but a
thoroughly good fellow could possibly have any chance with me, and that
any other sort of fellow ought to be ashamed of himself for daring even
to be in love with me, and that he couldn't rest until he had proved to
himself that he was worthy to have loved me, and then he wasn't going to
love me any more.'

"'It's a bit complicated,' says I.  'I suppose you understood it?'

"'It was perfectly plain,' says she, somewhat shortly, 'and, as I told
him, made me really like him for the first time.'

"'It didn't occur to him to ask you why you had been flirting like a
volcano with a chap you didn't like,' says I.

"'He didn't refer to it as flirtation,' says she.  'He regarded it as
kindness to a lonely man in a strange land.'

"'I think you'll be all right,' says I.  'There's all the makings of a
good husband in him--seems to be simple-minded enough, anyhow.'

"'He has a very lovable personality when you once know him,' says she.
'All sailors are apt to be thoughtless.'

"'I should try and break him of it later on,' says I.

"'Besides, she was a bit of a fool herself, going away and leaving no
address,' adds she; and having reached her turning, we said good-night to
one another.

"About a month passed after that without anything happening.  For the
first week Marie was as merry as a kitten, but as the days went by, and
no sign came, she grew restless and excited.  Then one morning she came
into the Cafe twice as important as she had gone out the night before,
and I could see by her face that her little venture was panning out
successfully.  She waited till we had the Cafe to ourselves, which
usually happened about mid-day, and then she took a letter out of her
pocket and showed it me.  It was a nice respectful letter containing
sentiments that would have done honour to a churchwarden.  Thanks to
Marie's suggestions, for which he could never be sufficiently grateful,
and which proved her to be as wise as she was good and beautiful, he had
traced Mrs. Sleight, nee Mary Godselle, to Quebec.  From Quebec, on the
death of her uncle, she had left to take a situation as waitress in a New
York hotel, and he was now on his way there to continue his search.  The
result he would, with Miss Marie's permission, write and inform her.  If
he obtained happiness he would owe it all to her.  She it was who had
shown him his duty; there was a good deal of it, but that's what it
meant.

"A week later came another letter, dated from New York this time.  Mary
could not be discovered anywhere; her situation she had left just two
years ago, but for what or for where nobody seemed to know.  What was to
be done?

"Mam'sel Marie sat down and wrote him by return of post, and wrote him
somewhat sharply--in broken English.  It seemed to her he must be
strangely lacking in intelligence.  Mary, as he knew, spoke French as
well as she did English.  Such girls--especially such waitresses--he
might know, were sought after on the Continent.  Very possibly there were
agencies in New York whose business it was to offer good Continental
engagements to such young ladies.  Even she herself had heard of one
such--Brathwaite, in West Twenty-third Street, or maybe Twenty-fourth.
She signed her new name, Marie Luthier, and added a P.S. to the effect
that a right-feeling husband who couldn't find his wife would have
written in a tone less suggestive of resignation.

"That helped him considerably, that suggestion of Marie's about the agent
Brathwaite.  A fortnight later came a third letter.  Wonderful to relate,
his wife was actually in Paris, of all places in the world!  She had
taken a situation in the Hotel du Louvre.  Master Tom expected to be in
Paris almost as soon as his letter.

"'I think I'll go round to the Louvre if you can spare me for quarter of
an hour,' said Marie, 'and see the manager.'

"Two days after, at one o'clock precisely, Mr. Tom Sleight walked into
the Cafe.  He didn't look cheerful and he didn't look sad.  He had been
to the 'Louvre'; Mary Godselle had left there about a year ago; but he
had obtained her address in Paris, and had received a letter from her
that very morning.  He showed it to Marie.  It was short, and not well
written.  She would meet him in the Tuileries that evening at seven, by
the Diana and the Nymph; he would know her by her wearing the onyx brooch
he had given her the day before their wedding.  She mentioned it was
onyx, in case he had forgotten.  He only stopped a few minutes, and both
he and Marie spoke gravely and in low tones.  He left a small case in her
hands at parting; he said he hoped she would wear it in remembrance of
one in whose thoughts she would always remain enshrined.  I can't tell
you what he meant; I only tell you what he said.  He also gave me a very
handsome walking-stick with a gold handle--what for, I don't know; I take
it he felt like that.

"Marie asked to leave that evening at half-past six.  I never saw her
looking prettier.  She called me into the office before she went.  She
wanted my advice.  She had in one hand a beautiful opal brooch set in
diamonds--it was what he had given her that morning--and in her other
hand the one of onyx.

"'Shall I wear them both?' asked she, 'or only the one?'  She was half
laughing, half crying, already.

"I thought for a bit.  'I should wear the onyx to-night,' I said, 'by
itself.'"



***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE OBSERVATIONS OF HENRY***


******* This file should be named 17943.txt or 17943.zip *******


This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/7/9/4/17943



Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
will be renamed.

Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
redistribution.



*** START: FULL LICENSE ***

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
http://www.gutenberg.org/license).


Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic works

1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.  See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
States.

1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org

1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
1.E.9.

1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.

1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg-tm License.

1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
that

- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."

- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
     License.  You must require such a user to return or
     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
     Project Gutenberg-tm works.

- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
     of receipt of the work.

- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.

1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
your equipment.

1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.

1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.


Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm

Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.


Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.

The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact

For additional contact information:
     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
     Chief Executive and Director
     gbnewby@pglaf.org

Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
To donate, please visit:
http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate


Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
works.

Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:

     http://www.gutenberg.org

This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.